i can only imagine ...

Within the past few years I have had a number of people that I was close to pass away. Each time seems to be harder than the next. Not sure if it is because I am older and I slowly begin to realize more and more how each of their deaths are affecting me and significant in their own way. Or if it is because as time as gone on the people passing away around me are becoming a great deal younger. Seeing my grandparents go was sad, of course. I loved them deeply, they were my family - people that would have given their own breath to see me happy and succeed. But when Chris died he was not even of legal drinking age. He had never lived on his own, had a wife or children, etc. His death was so unexpected - one day he was here the next day gone. I was taken a back. Full of shock and hurt. My friend had been stripped away in one of the most gruesome of ways.


And now here we are on what seemed to start off as a lovely day and yet has ended so tragically. It seems to be a cycle that is never ending. Anna has gone to be with her Father in heaven. At a mere 19 years old her precious life was taken out from under her. I know God has a reason. I know that she is finally able to take a deep breath - something she has been so desperately trying to do for so long and yet it doesn't give me peace. I look at her brother, Bernie, whom I love dearly, and question how he is so strong. Of course she is in a better place and finally out of pain but it doesn't make me question things any less. I constantly wonder why .. Why her? Why now? Why this way? But I never get the answers. They are questions I will never know the answers to I am sure. Frustrating. 


I know that Anna's time here on earth was a blessing and what she was sent here to do has been fulfilled but we will all miss her. Her fight, strength and faith that one day she would be free of her awful disease will forever reign in everyone's minds. She had such a contagious smile and that is definitely the way I want to remember her. 


But for now I just need to take deep breaths ...

"life isn't fair ..."

Every comeback I ever made to my parents when I was little somehow revolved around the world fair. It was generally something along the lines of ... "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" [in my whiny adolescent voice]. And alas my parents always came back right at me with, "Well, life isn't fair."


I always knew they were right. I never doubted that life would be unfair. I knew that if things were going someone's way, even mine, then they weren't necessarily going the way someone else would like them to. And I came to accept that as I grew up. It wasn't the most fun thing to realize but it is definitely the one thing that I needed to recognize in life more than anything else. The thing is I don't think you ever really accept that fact. I am grown now, or grown enough, and I still catch myself verbally spouting off the same thing I did as a small child, thinking it almost daily. 


Then I look at my life and those around me... 
- Pawpee died when I was 7; that wasn't fair.
- Grandma died when I was 10; that wasn't fair. 
- Dad got cancer when I was 17; that wasn't fair. 
- Uncle abandoned my family when I was 19; that wasn't fair.
- Mom got cancer when I was 20; that wasn't fair. 
- Meme died when I was 21; that wasn't fair. 


I don't know why I think or thought that it would ever change. Chris died so innocently at the young age of 19. And now I am watching Anna slowly slip away when she too has only had 19 beautiful years. 

I want life to be fair, as much as I know it won't ever be. 

forward not backward.

In a time when all I want to do is reminisce about how great my high school and college days were I know I need to be looking forward to all the great things ahead of me. In order to do so - and not focus on how fun prom was or how much I miss FCX - I am going to make a list. A list of all the things I should be thankful for currently and all that I have to be excited about in my upcoming life. 

1. Parents - as much as they frustrate me I know I wouldn't be where I am without them. They love me unconditionally and that is not always the easiest thing to do. 

2. Bests - these three girls are such a blessing in my life. Not only are they a constant support in my life but they also have so much going for each of them as individuals. I am thrilled to be able to live vicariously through each of them as we all start new chapters of our lives. 

3. Vacation - Lake Tahoe is going to be nuts. I don't even know what else to say about that. 

4. Babysitting - though it isn't the ideal job a 22 year old, college graduate could ask for I know that I am lucky to have found the positions that I have. Any money coming in is better than no money coming in. And the families that have hired me are so incredible, with precious children. 

5. December - there are so many reasons why December will be the most wonderful month of my year. Christmas is one of them. 

6. Football Season - not only did the NFL lockout end and I get to see all of my favorite teams play but Aggie football is just around the corner. WHOOP! I am thrilled to be able to get to head back up to College Station and see my Ag's kick some ass. 

As for now that is about all I can think of. I am sure there is more and there will continue to be more. But I am glad to know that I have at least six things to be thankful for and look forward too. Maybe the next few months won't be so bad after all. 

i remember when i was nineteen.

Remember when you were 19 and decided to say whatever was on your mind to whoever would listen and let you have a voice? 


Wait ... I still do that. Even when people won't listen and don't want me to have a voice. 


Maybe I am not the most respectful 22 year old but I have managed to get by without too many meltdowns. And though I may be blunt, harsh, honest, bitchy - whatever you like to call it - I still attempt to maintain a decency for people in the world ... especially one's that I have yet to meet. 


Alas it seems as though everyone in the world is not that way. Tonight - oh, tonight - I am beyond annoyed. Feel how you want. I am not one to try and stifle anyone else's opinion but I would rather not have my laundry aired to the world. 


I am going to attempt to be as mature as possible in the situation and ask discuss the issue with them politely but it may come down to the battle of the bitches. And trust me - I always win. 

struggling to get by [in every sense of the phrase].

Let me start by saying that if you don't want to listen to someone bitch for a good while then you can quit reading now. 




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Alas if you have gotten to this point then you are prepared for my wrath. 

So here goes nothing. 

As of lately I feel so incredibly discouraged. I feel like I am the only one out of my group of friends that doesn't have something great happening for them in the near future. One of my friends is engaged, another starting a wonderful new job teaching, and the other about to start nursing school and move in with her boyfriend. And guess what ... I can't find a job to save my life and I am living in my old bedroom back home with my parents. It is as if there is no hope. 


Why me huh? 

• I went to college. 
• I did decent. 
• And I graduated from freaking Texas A&M. 

But instead of being able to relish in the grand life of an adult I am babysitting to make money, having family dinners every night and the most exciting thing I do is go grocery shopping with my mom. 


Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my parents. They are excellent. I appreciate everything they have and will ever do for me. Taking me back into their home is above and beyond anything I expected of them. 


But ... I need to get out. Now. Or else I am going to lose my mind. Living outside of my parents home for four years and moving back in with people who you must answer to is probably the worst possible option for anyone. Sure it is great having people buy groceries, do laundry, etc. but the pros do not outweigh the cons. Lectures are a daily occurrence for starters; about everything from how close I stop to the crosswalk while driving to my future. I have a curfew I set for myself so I am not the disrespectful child who stays out all night and has their parents up all night worrying. And so forth. But the worst part is the control. They have all the control. The fact that they do things and pay for things leaves everything in their hands and I have to answer to them.


That whole scenario wouldn't be so miserable if they didn't feel it necessary to tell me what my future is allowed or not allowed to look like. One day I wake up and my mom is handing me something about how to become a nurse - the next how to get into law school - the next I need to become an engineer. None of that is me but me won't make any money and that is unacceptable. Since I have graduated I have felt like the largest disappointment of my parents life. I hate saying that out loud cause I am pretty sure it isn't true but it is honestly how I feel. I have this pit in my stomach that seems to constantly grow larger anytime I have to answer the question, "So what are you doing now that you have graduated?" I politely always have to answer, "Nothing." 

And in that moment I have never been more embarrassed about who I have become. 

you've got your head in the clouds.

Oh my it has been much too long since I have written anything. So many things have happened. Here we go with an update [please excuse the random order of thoughts].

I went to Boston for a week with my parents. It was a wonderful trip. Not only did I realize how envious I am of their accents but I also rekindled my love for hockey. We took trolley rides all over town, mastered the subway system, enjoyed every kind of food under the sun at Quincy Market, sang Sweet Caroline at a Red Sox game ... and the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll move there. Like for real.

* side note ... The Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup roughly a week after I returned from my trip. No big deal or anything. * 

Nowadays I am looking for a job. And by looking I mean casually glancing at posted ads online every few days. I am a big fail when it comes to having the motivation to actually become employed. It isn't that I don't want the money or I don't have the desire to become independent [I totally do] but I just got rejected from quite a few places when I first started applying and the discouragement has taken over. Boo.

On the brighter side my parents said they will give me till my 23rd birthday to become a part of the real world. That leaves me 228 days to enjoy my freedom. Wahoo.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Dos comes out in approximately 24 days. I already have my ticket. Just saying I am a total dweeb and have decided to embrace it. There will be a total HP marathon leading up to the event and I might even dress up. Bellatrix is my alter ego after all.

This past weekend I went to a bachelorette party. It made me want to get married solely so I could have a bachelorette party of my own. Just saying. Wedding fever is a true disease. 

This upcoming weekend I am going to Galveston for a girls weekend. There will be five adults, one child and a dog in a house for four days. I will give an update on that after everything goes down. Oh my there will be some good stories to share.

Oh I graduated too. That was fun. 

time for a new stride.

Friday morning I graduated. I am no longer a student at my beloved Texas A&M but rather a member of the Association of Former Students. I am an Alumni. As excited and thrilled as I am, I have a gut-wrenching pain inside of me as well. Nothing seems to be falling into place and the worry has definitely sunk in. As I am watching all my fellow graduates and friends move out of town and go to start their new lives I wonder how mine will begin. I do not have a job. I do not have any job offers. My current plan consists of moving home, going back to community college and waiting tables. 

Alas, I feel like a massive disappointment. 

Sure, everyone says it is the economy. That things will turn around. I just need to keep looking and something will come. But it is hard to believe. Not saying that I think I will be living with my parents for the rest of my life but currently it seems as though that is the path I am headed. 


The sad part is is that I know I am capable. I know I can do so much better. I want to create a life for myself. Full of happiness and meaning. I want to be successful and make my family proud, make myself proud. But nothing is easy anymore. I am an adult. I can no longer fall into the comforting wings of a schedule of classes, studying for tests and meetings for organizations. I now have to work harder than ever before to create something for myself from scratch and that my friends is hella scary. 


Texas A&M gave me the best four years of my life. Not every day was a piece of cake. I failed tests, had a broken heart, fought with my parents, lost friends and fought every day to keep going. But in all of the pain I learned how to be myself. I grew into someone that I could never have imagined I would be. I gained new friends, stood strong, passed tough classes, loved deeply, and was truly blessed by my mom and dad. I move out of my world in NINE days. I move to the unknown. I wish I could stay here sing the War Hymn, scream my lungs out at Kyle Field, sit people watching in Academic Plaza, run around the Quad, have lunch at Sbisa and go out to Northgate. But I can't. My life is no longer following my plan. 


And I just have to let it go, let it be and be an adult.