"life isn't fair ..."

Every comeback I ever made to my parents when I was little somehow revolved around the world fair. It was generally something along the lines of ... "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" [in my whiny adolescent voice]. And alas my parents always came back right at me with, "Well, life isn't fair."


I always knew they were right. I never doubted that life would be unfair. I knew that if things were going someone's way, even mine, then they weren't necessarily going the way someone else would like them to. And I came to accept that as I grew up. It wasn't the most fun thing to realize but it is definitely the one thing that I needed to recognize in life more than anything else. The thing is I don't think you ever really accept that fact. I am grown now, or grown enough, and I still catch myself verbally spouting off the same thing I did as a small child, thinking it almost daily. 


Then I look at my life and those around me... 
- Pawpee died when I was 7; that wasn't fair.
- Grandma died when I was 10; that wasn't fair. 
- Dad got cancer when I was 17; that wasn't fair. 
- Uncle abandoned my family when I was 19; that wasn't fair.
- Mom got cancer when I was 20; that wasn't fair. 
- Meme died when I was 21; that wasn't fair. 


I don't know why I think or thought that it would ever change. Chris died so innocently at the young age of 19. And now I am watching Anna slowly slip away when she too has only had 19 beautiful years. 

I want life to be fair, as much as I know it won't ever be. 

struggling to get by [in every sense of the phrase].

Let me start by saying that if you don't want to listen to someone bitch for a good while then you can quit reading now. 




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Alas if you have gotten to this point then you are prepared for my wrath. 

So here goes nothing. 

As of lately I feel so incredibly discouraged. I feel like I am the only one out of my group of friends that doesn't have something great happening for them in the near future. One of my friends is engaged, another starting a wonderful new job teaching, and the other about to start nursing school and move in with her boyfriend. And guess what ... I can't find a job to save my life and I am living in my old bedroom back home with my parents. It is as if there is no hope. 


Why me huh? 

• I went to college. 
• I did decent. 
• And I graduated from freaking Texas A&M. 

But instead of being able to relish in the grand life of an adult I am babysitting to make money, having family dinners every night and the most exciting thing I do is go grocery shopping with my mom. 


Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my parents. They are excellent. I appreciate everything they have and will ever do for me. Taking me back into their home is above and beyond anything I expected of them. 


But ... I need to get out. Now. Or else I am going to lose my mind. Living outside of my parents home for four years and moving back in with people who you must answer to is probably the worst possible option for anyone. Sure it is great having people buy groceries, do laundry, etc. but the pros do not outweigh the cons. Lectures are a daily occurrence for starters; about everything from how close I stop to the crosswalk while driving to my future. I have a curfew I set for myself so I am not the disrespectful child who stays out all night and has their parents up all night worrying. And so forth. But the worst part is the control. They have all the control. The fact that they do things and pay for things leaves everything in their hands and I have to answer to them.


That whole scenario wouldn't be so miserable if they didn't feel it necessary to tell me what my future is allowed or not allowed to look like. One day I wake up and my mom is handing me something about how to become a nurse - the next how to get into law school - the next I need to become an engineer. None of that is me but me won't make any money and that is unacceptable. Since I have graduated I have felt like the largest disappointment of my parents life. I hate saying that out loud cause I am pretty sure it isn't true but it is honestly how I feel. I have this pit in my stomach that seems to constantly grow larger anytime I have to answer the question, "So what are you doing now that you have graduated?" I politely always have to answer, "Nothing." 

And in that moment I have never been more embarrassed about who I have become. 

best days of your life?

Before my rant I am going to go ahead and list ten things that I am thankful for to balance out the amount of anger with something good in my life - so here goes nothing:

1. My parents - for starters I literally wouldn't be here without them, but in a less literal sense of the word they have sustained me and helped me become the woman I am every moment of every day ... they are phenomenal and I couldn't ask for more


2. KOB - the three best friends in the world that a girl could ever imagine; through everything we have never given up on each other and I know that our friendships will last forever 


3. Each new day - slightly more simplistic but it is true ... I am lucky each day to just be waking up, the Lord has blessed me again today with breath and life and it is something I take for granted all too often


4. Music - this is something I would be completely lost without, it is my escape and my tranquility 


5. Books - though I don't get to read as often as I would like due to life, school and laziness when I do have the opportunity to sit down and transfer my world into a great book I regret that I don't make the time to do it more


6. Hummus - recently this has become my snack food of choice for whatever reason and my new obsession with it is not a problem with me - good anytime of the day and with pretty much anything I am thrilled with my discovery


7. Grey's Anatomy - this is my television show of choice no doubt; I have watched every episode and will continue to do so until it goes off the air ... no matter how unrealistic it gets ... McDreamy, Yang, Bailey [my Thursdays wouldn't be the same without them]


8. Texas A&M - sure it wasn't my school of choice as a senior in high school but as a senior in college about to graduate I wouldn't have had it any other way; I am the loudest and proudest member of the Fightin' Texas Aggie Class of 2011 A-WHOOP


9. Love - no matter the amount of it that I feel or the lack there of I am incredibly grateful for being able to love others and experience how they love me


10. Running - as of lately I have also taken a liking to exercise, specifically running ... it is a time in my day when I am able to forget the world, remove the stress and be alone, which I certainly don't do often enough


Oh and 11. Passion ... I am thankful for God and that he made us passionate human beings. I am glad that I get angry about things, fight for what I believe in and enjoy things so much that I can almost feel my heart smile. It is ridiculous to think what my life would be like if I wasn't passionate about music, my family, blogging or anything else for that matter. Can you just think about what the world would be like if no one genuinely cared about what they were doing with themselves!? 




Now, I can vent. 

But I kind of don't want to. Thinking about all of the things in life that I am thankful for, whether large or small, makes me realize how blessed I am. Granted I am still pissed but it isn't worth it to me right now to focus on the negative. Maybe another day. 

champion forever.

March 12 2010 

5:43PM 

I received possibly the worst phone call of my life; for sure the worst thus far. 

My boyfriend, at the time, had just witnessed his best friend pass away in a motorcycle accident. And in that moment the world stopped. My world stopped. Immediately I jumped in my car and drove to where he was but everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I got out of my car and ran towards the debris, feeling like if I could just get there faster I could do something to fix it but it seemed as though my legs wouldn't move my body any closer. This was the first time I had experienced anything like this. Never had I been forced to lose someone so close to me that was so young nor had I known anyone that actually witnessed death. I lost one of my friends that day and my boyfriend all the same. 

Death changes people. Guilt, fear, anger - it stays with you. It crawls so deep inside that there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. You get in to a dark place that no one else seems to understand, where nothing really makes a difference to you. However death is inevitable and losing Chris changed my life for the better. It has challenged me daily to see the beauty in all of God's work and stay positive no matter what situation arises. He had such a passion for Jesus and lived with such assurance that he was going to the Kingdom in Heaven that through everything I have hope. 


Recently there was a memorial at the cemetery. The doubts that filled my head that day overwhelmed me; not knowing whether to go or whether I would be able to hold myself together for the hour we were standing there. I easily became furious with others and the Lord - hurt welled inside me and I was taken back to the phone call I had so unwillingly received a year prior. But when I got there ... the birds were chirping, the sun was shining and his parents - they were smiling. 


In that moment I was able to see the beauty in death. In his death. 

Challenge: Find joy in the situations that hurt you the most. Stop and thank the Lord for your pain and suffering and remember that something good comes out of everything bad.