struggling to get by [in every sense of the phrase].

Let me start by saying that if you don't want to listen to someone bitch for a good while then you can quit reading now. 




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Alas if you have gotten to this point then you are prepared for my wrath. 

So here goes nothing. 

As of lately I feel so incredibly discouraged. I feel like I am the only one out of my group of friends that doesn't have something great happening for them in the near future. One of my friends is engaged, another starting a wonderful new job teaching, and the other about to start nursing school and move in with her boyfriend. And guess what ... I can't find a job to save my life and I am living in my old bedroom back home with my parents. It is as if there is no hope. 


Why me huh? 

• I went to college. 
• I did decent. 
• And I graduated from freaking Texas A&M. 

But instead of being able to relish in the grand life of an adult I am babysitting to make money, having family dinners every night and the most exciting thing I do is go grocery shopping with my mom. 


Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my parents. They are excellent. I appreciate everything they have and will ever do for me. Taking me back into their home is above and beyond anything I expected of them. 


But ... I need to get out. Now. Or else I am going to lose my mind. Living outside of my parents home for four years and moving back in with people who you must answer to is probably the worst possible option for anyone. Sure it is great having people buy groceries, do laundry, etc. but the pros do not outweigh the cons. Lectures are a daily occurrence for starters; about everything from how close I stop to the crosswalk while driving to my future. I have a curfew I set for myself so I am not the disrespectful child who stays out all night and has their parents up all night worrying. And so forth. But the worst part is the control. They have all the control. The fact that they do things and pay for things leaves everything in their hands and I have to answer to them.


That whole scenario wouldn't be so miserable if they didn't feel it necessary to tell me what my future is allowed or not allowed to look like. One day I wake up and my mom is handing me something about how to become a nurse - the next how to get into law school - the next I need to become an engineer. None of that is me but me won't make any money and that is unacceptable. Since I have graduated I have felt like the largest disappointment of my parents life. I hate saying that out loud cause I am pretty sure it isn't true but it is honestly how I feel. I have this pit in my stomach that seems to constantly grow larger anytime I have to answer the question, "So what are you doing now that you have graduated?" I politely always have to answer, "Nothing." 

And in that moment I have never been more embarrassed about who I have become.