Your hand in mine ..

Things in life couldn't possibly be more different than they were the last time I posted. Everyone that was supposed to move finally did and getting adjusted to all the newness has been interesting to say the least. 

I miss my parents a great deal. We have always been close and I knew I would miss them but I really, genuinely didn't think it would feel like this. I went away to college and I left them before but this time just feels different than then. Maybe it is because I am older and we have grown closer, who knows. I am supposed to be a grown up and be able to do things on my own but I find myself calling them constantly for a myriad of things. I had to ask my dad what kind of lightbulb went in the backyard light, call my mom cause my battery died when I came out from the grocery store, and today I am texting them about a super expensive water bill. Needless to say I am not a grown up. And I am totally ok with that, I think ... at least for now. I am going to try and get them to do dinners with me twice a month in Houston or somewhere around there that is a halfway point between the two of us. Hopefully that will satisfy some of the sadness about  missing them and we can spend some time with each other. We will see how that goes!

It feels like I am in college again now that I have roommates. It is such a heartwarming feeling to wake up and see Britt at the kitchen table drinking coffee or see B pull up in the driveway after school. Your 20's are hard and knowing that the three of us don't have to do it alone is really comforting. I was on Pinterest, surprising I know, and I found a pin that said 21 Secrets for your 20's; the credit completely goes to Paul Angone at All Groan Up. As I found myself reading through the 21 secrets though I realized how completely true the majority of them were. Part of #6 says "Making and keeping friends in our twenties takes intentionality." I couldn't have said it better myself. B and I have been able to maintain a friendship but I know that we are going to continue to grow and evolve in our friendship and as a people. I am really excited that we are living together and have the rare opportunity to change in this life side by side. With Britt, we haven't been close at any point in our lives really but forming this new friendship while being roommates is an exciting experience. I am really lucky to have two wonderful women beside me during undoubtedly at time of some of the biggest ups and downs in my life. 

TK is all the way in freaking Florida. FLORIDA! From doorstep to doorstep we are exactly 743 miles apart and roughly 11.5 to 12 hours away depending on traffic/stops/etc. This is definitely the most challenging time we are going to experience as a couple. While I am not looking forward to the day to day frustration of not getting to have my boyfriend around I know that in the end this is just going to bring us closer; the time we have to spend with each other after it is all said and done is going to be so much sweeter. We are both doing this for the greater good of us as a couple and for our future family and that is what keeps us each going. Plus I couldn't be any more proud of what he is doing. I mean I am going to be married to Dr. Klein one day .. how cool is that? Really though, I am beaming inside knowing how he is bettering himself and following his dreams; it is an incredible feeling. We are hopefully going to get to see each other once a month. The plan, thus far at least, is to meet up about halfway one weekend in September and then for me to fly down and stay for a week or two in October. Then of course he will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will see how that all turns out but right now I am just looking forward to our next iChat or phone call - it's the little things!

I know that I write about the same things over and over again on here, I just can't help it. My family, friends and boyfriend happen to be the greatest, most important things in my life so updates on them are going to be much more common than other aspects in my life. Oh well. Sooner or later I will write a post about everything else that is happening ... till then!

first time for everything.

This is going to be all over the place. Stay with me. 

- First time in a long time that I will be missing the Aggie football opener. I thought I missed being a student but as the first game of the season approaches I realize just how much I miss my second home. College Station is some place I will always be able to go and remember a time in my life that some of my best and worst memories happened. Hopefully I will get to attend a few games this season and many more in the years to come. Can't wait to be back in the best student section in college football. 

- Best friend left for Spain today. Such a weird feeling. She is going to have the time of her life, I have no doubt but I am going to miss her dearly. She left the three of us here and of course we will manage to get by but it is never the same when all of us aren't together. So glad I have these girls in my life. 

- Mom is on my case again. About everything. But more so about going to graduate school. She made me make an appointment with St. Thomas downtown for next week to talk to them about getting my MLA. It doesn't sound like such a bad plan but who knows. We will see if I can even get in. Ugh. I should've done better as an undergrad. D for diploma is killing me. I mean granted I did better than straight D's but for goodness sake it's like since I don't have a 4.0 I don't mean anything. Stupid society.

- Wedding to go to this weekend. It'll be a fun time. Getting to see quite a few people that I do not get to spend enough time with. Hopefully it will help us all reconnect and stay in touch better. All in all should be pleasant. 

- Been running lately. Granted I haven't been running as far as I would like but alas it is like 112 degrees outside so I am proud of however far I can make it. I am hoping to just build up my tolerance but we will see. Contemplating on getting a membership to a gym around here. I have some friends who joined one that is rather cheap - so we will see. I miss the REC - boo.

- Looking forward to the next few months. Should make for more exciting memories. The best is yet to come right? 

- Anna's funeral is tomorrow. I can't go. I wish I could. Part of me feels like it isn't my place to be there - she and I had only met on a few occasions but her brother and I were a part of each others lives for quite some time. Granted we had drifted but still I wanted to be able to support him. It's never easy. I just hope he and his family can manage to get through the day, one step and one breath at a time. 

i can only imagine ...

Within the past few years I have had a number of people that I was close to pass away. Each time seems to be harder than the next. Not sure if it is because I am older and I slowly begin to realize more and more how each of their deaths are affecting me and significant in their own way. Or if it is because as time as gone on the people passing away around me are becoming a great deal younger. Seeing my grandparents go was sad, of course. I loved them deeply, they were my family - people that would have given their own breath to see me happy and succeed. But when Chris died he was not even of legal drinking age. He had never lived on his own, had a wife or children, etc. His death was so unexpected - one day he was here the next day gone. I was taken a back. Full of shock and hurt. My friend had been stripped away in one of the most gruesome of ways.


And now here we are on what seemed to start off as a lovely day and yet has ended so tragically. It seems to be a cycle that is never ending. Anna has gone to be with her Father in heaven. At a mere 19 years old her precious life was taken out from under her. I know God has a reason. I know that she is finally able to take a deep breath - something she has been so desperately trying to do for so long and yet it doesn't give me peace. I look at her brother, Bernie, whom I love dearly, and question how he is so strong. Of course she is in a better place and finally out of pain but it doesn't make me question things any less. I constantly wonder why .. Why her? Why now? Why this way? But I never get the answers. They are questions I will never know the answers to I am sure. Frustrating. 


I know that Anna's time here on earth was a blessing and what she was sent here to do has been fulfilled but we will all miss her. Her fight, strength and faith that one day she would be free of her awful disease will forever reign in everyone's minds. She had such a contagious smile and that is definitely the way I want to remember her. 


But for now I just need to take deep breaths ...

designed to radiate.

There is such a huge conviction that has welled up inside me over recently. I am empty. I am alone and I am empty. I no longer can hide the fact that I have a huge hole inside of my heart and I long so badly to fill it with anything that will satisfy me no matter how fleeting those things may be.


I attended a retreat this weekend for an organization I am involved in, Aggie Sisters for Christ. Our goal as a group and as individuals is know the Jesus and make Him know. We are supposed to be a light in the darkness of this world and I am designed to radiate Jesus' love and mercy.


I don't do that. 


I lie. 
I cheat.
I gossip.
I am impure. 
I boast.
I am proud. 
I lust.
I envy.
I am not kind.
etc. etc. etc.


I never realized how much of an impact one life could have until our speaker, Marian Jordan, was discussing the life of one of her friends who passed away tragically. After she was gone an incredible ripple effect on all the men and women she encountered in her life was noticed. The room full of people that she had witnessed to was hundreds plus. I don't think that that is a picture of my life. Not that I am in  any way striving to be Jill yet I do envy, there I go again, that she is more like Jesus than I feel I could ever be.


Recently I lied to my three best friends about something that in their eyes was huge but in mine felt justified. I am alone. I am empty and alone. And I didn't want to feel any more alone by not feeling their support on a decision I had chosen to make for myself. When I chose to lie I felt little to no conviction. It was a passing moment that got me out of a conversation I really, really did not want to have. And yet as we screamed, yelled and cried this evening during our four way call - yes, those exist now ... who knew - I wanted to throw up. I felt the disappointment of Christ literally within the pits of my stomach. Marian spoke a lot about how the battle between the conviction you feel and the ways of the world is a good thing; it shows you that you are a daughter of Christ and not someone who is walking in darkness. So as awful as I felt in that moment I also had a sense of overwhelming peace. There was a battle going on and though I have failed, the Word of the Lord is better and He has forgiven me. 


The decision I made for myself is solely based upon love. I love him. I have never stopped loving him. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no explanation. It doesn't make a bit of sense and well, here I am. 


Though I know that he is the one for me I also know that I need ... rather, want to be loved. That is my desire for myself. And yet I find it so funny because I am unconditionally loved by the King and I can't always see it. I am fully aware of my fault; I choose to seek after worldly love and boys because they are tangible. I say this not to make anyone doubt my feelings for who I have chosen but rather to clarify any confusion that may have come from the situation. I know where I stand with myself and with God. To me that is all that matters at this point. So from now on I am going to radiate. 

May the words of my mouth

And the thoughts of my heart

Be a light in the dark that shines

The glorious love of my King

Who called and chose and redeemed

The broken beautiful made clean

His Bride

Oh I was designed to radiate

Yes Your Bride is alive to radiate

Jesus You are better I give You all of me

Jesus I surrender I lay down every dream

To rise, lift my eyes and radiate

I will rise, lift my eyes and radiate 

Radiate: Donna Stuart

abc's of my current life.

A: Adventure. This summer is going to be the biggest adventure of my life. I am incredibly ready to be a 22 year old college graduate attempting to take on the world. Whether it be with my family, friends or simply alone to say that I am excited to see what is in store is an understatement. 


B: Bored. I am bored with life, with College Station, with school ... with waking up and doing the same damn thing every damn day. I need a change. And I need one ASAP. 


C: College. I only have one test, two assignments, two papers and twenty-six days that stand in between me and my diploma. The past four years have gone by much too fast. It feels like just yesterday my parents were dropping me off in my dorm and I was hysterical. Now I am a grown-up. I should use that term lightly as my mom would remind me. 


D: Drinking. My roommates and I have made it a goal of ours to have 50 empty bottles of alcohol in our house by the time we graduate. Classy, I know. These are things we have been collecting since last year when we all graced the legal drinking age. So obviously we aren't total lushes. However we are only at 35 bottles. That leaves us a good 15 bottles to go and only 25 days. Epic. 


E: Excess. Life, mine included, is full of excess. I am starting to weed through everything I have collected over the past year as I prepare to move out of my house and it is just plain silly the amount of stuff I have. Next house/apartment/shack [whatever I can afford] that I move into will definitely be de-cluttered. 


F: "For sure". This is my new phrase thanks to the infamous Mister Minks himself. It has replaced all other affirmative statements that were in my vocabulary and I am more than okay with that. 


G: Galveston. Myself and three friends went to the beach for the weekend. Not only was it a much needed break from the routine we are all set in it was wonderfully relaxing. It reminds me of how much I miss being there as a kid with my grandparents. A good reminder about how family and memories can bring an unexpected smile to my face always. 


H: Hummus. Yes, this is still a new love in my life. I don't know what I ever did without it. It is the perfect, healthy snack food. I have a whole new appreciation for garbonzo beans, or chickpeas if you like the lame-o name. 


I: Instantaneous. Driving the 2 hours and 45 minutes to and from Galveston this weekend was by far not my favorite thing to do. Granted I enjoyed the time I was there but I also became all to aware of my impatience. Life is ridiculous nowadays. Everything is instant. My parents have the ability to watch the news, surf the internet, order food, and rent a movie all from the living room television. As much as I appreciate how fast paced and quick the world has become I hate that it has made me think that a three hour drive is too much to ask. 


J: Justified. Such an under appreciated television show. Hate that I have to watch it on Hulu after the fact each week because I have a prior commitment that takes up my Wednesday nights. I give thanks to Travis for getting me hooked on one of the best shows I have seen since Grey's [which will always be #1 in my heart]. If you don't watch it, start. Oh and start from the beginning or you will be confused as all hell. 


K: Kites. Meagan kept talking this weekend while we were on the beach about how she wished we had bought a kite to fly. The wind/weather was perfect for it and there were plenty of other people participating in the activity themselves. My daddy and I used to fly kites together. Oh how I wish I was still in those days and those moments sometimes. Maybe we will make it happen again over Easter weekend. 


L: Love. So very cliche, I know. But alas here I am. I hate love. An oxymoron at its best. It is by far the most confusing, complicated, unfaltering, painful, exciting thing in the world. And yet it seems to constantly slip in and out of my fingers. All I want is to be happy again. To be in love, in a steady, seemingly normal, easy relationship and be happy. 


M: Mumford & Sons. I want to know where they have been my whole life. I could listen to their CD on repeat for days on end. As much as I don't want them to follow the great band, turns mainstream, goes bad pattern ... I SO wish they were played more on the radio and played more shows around me. Plus the Mumford & Sons Pandora station owns. 


N: Nothing. That is what I so badly want to be thinking about currently. I would love to not have a million things running through my mind all day and night. I would love to just have a peace of mind and not be stressed. Do nothing, say nothing, think nothing, feel nothing ... it may be not be all it's cracked up to be but trying it for one day sounds like a phenomenal idea. 


O: Opportunity. I thought that graduating from Texas A&M would be my ticket in the real world. I didn't ever assume that I would be planning on moving home, going back to community college to get an associates and waiting tables to earn a living. I was supposed to gain an opportunity from the time, energy, and money I spent pouring into my education over these past four years. Frustration is an understatement. Hopefully somewhere along the way a better opportunity comes along ... we will see. 


P: Profanity. I curse wayyy too much. Definitely way more than I would like. And I have no idea why or how it happened. I think if my parents were to wash my mouth out with soap it might help, kidding. But seriously ...


Q: Queen. Today I was on Yahoo reading some of the latest news stories and I, of course, stopped to read about Kate Middleton and Prince William. Their upcoming nuptials are in the news everywhere and I am not one to not be "in the know". There was a list of things that the soon to be Princess Kate will not be allowed to do once she gets married. As I was reading this they kept mentioning Queen Elizabeth and how she abides by all these rules. She is technically allowed to vote but it is frowned upon. When she stops eating everyone else at the table is expected to be finished as well, regardless of how much is left on their plate. I was shocked. Oh to have the power ... 


R: Reading. Definitely a lost art. In all the hustle and bustle of life people rarely pick up books and get lost in the pages. My roommate Monica just recently reminded me of how much I love to read. She purchased "Heaven is for REAL" and finished the whole thing in one day. I have since borrowed it from her and began reading it myself. It is definitely worth the read and has helped me rekindle my love for opening up another world each night before I fall asleep. 


S: Statistics for the Terrified. This book is going to be the death of me. As is my Methods class. I might just punch myself in the face. And by "might" I mean either that or I am going to die from confusion/frustration/boredom. UGH. This class is absolutely miserable. And you would think the book is there to help you but alas all it has done is make statistics and math an even more loathed subject in my life. 


T: Time. There definitely is not enough of it in the day. I find myself constantly scrambling to finish all the activities that I need to get done within a 24 hour period. The more I have started to look at how little time there is left before I leave this town I start to panic. I have no idea how I am going to pack up four years of my life, hang out with all the people I have become so close too, or how I am going to manage to say goodbye to it all. If only I could make things slow down. 


U: Underwear. I was on DayZero recently and was trying to find more goals for myself ... one of them said, "Throw all of my underwear away and start over". It seemed silly but then as I contemplated adding it to my list I got very uneasy. I mean it is just underwear. No one ever sees which pair I have on but me so why should it matter? I thought about it and wanted to justify keeping some pairs and only getting rid of the pairs I don't like. But that isn't the goal ... I am supposed to throw all of them away. Weird that I am attached to something that matters so little. Maybe one day ... 

* Side note ... these next few letters were rather difficult so excuse the goofiness. I may have just chose words that started with the necessary letter and made up some outlandish way that they relate to me currently ... End side note. *

V: Velocipede. Yes, I looked up words online that started with the letter "v". This was the first one I came to that I didn't know what it meant. Here is everyone's vocabulary [another good "v" word, for the win] lesson for the day. Velocipede is an early form of bicycle propelled by working pedals on cranks fitted the the front axle.


W: Weather. This is something I have been in love with lately. The sun is shining and although it is getting relatively warm outside I am adoring it. To be able to walk outside and feel the rays of the sun beaming on me and the heat of the day is much needed. It brings a weird energy that seems to infect everyone around. I am sure this feeling won't last for too terribly long since 90+ degrees is inevitable but for now I am thrilled by how God is blessing me in the smallest way. 


X: X-Ray. My back is pretty messed up. If you are reading this you may or may not be that close with me, not too sure. However a little background - I have scoliosis - real bad. My spine makes a backwards S shape. It is pretty wicked to say the least. And rather painful. The point of this is not to just come up with some "x" word [maybe a little] BUT to go ahead and agree with my mom and everyone else that I need to go get X-rays taken again ... and possibly give into the fact that I need surgery. I hate giving in. 


Y: Yuck. Fact: I just ate a grape that was mushy. Yuck. 


Z: Zabagliones. I had to do the same thing with the letter "z" as I did for "v". Mainly because the only thing that was popping into my head was zebras and xylophones. Xylophone doesn't even start with "z" it just sounds like it. Regardless ... another vocabulary lesson. Zabagliones: light foamy custard-like dessert served hot or chilled. Sounds disgusting. 

reverend ryan corb.

Starfish

Yesterday

I spent the afternoon

Inside your hourglass

I tipped your kiss sideways

So I could pause to admire the grains

Of sand and crystal forming a beach

Across your lips

There is no place I would rather feel stranded

I am thankful for the black

Labrador vernacular you whisper

At my hip

During the moments I feel human

And so alone.

I would hurl driftwood and dried out

Pieces of myself into the surf, and you

You

Would retrieve them.

Dripping sea salt and forgiveness.

The shells

They are thankful for the waves

And the loyalty.

For the time it took to turn

a hard casing

Into something soft to walk on.

For the nights I let the moon

Peel you back like a bed sheet

Without wondering if you would

Return in the morning

I always knew you would be there.

You are a daily homecoming

In a cove I don’t have to work

To feel comfortable in.

A myriad of hi-hat and green

Jazz spilling to the rocks

You are a congregation of starfish

An underwater sacrificial Milky Way

Washing ashore

Giving up breath

So I might have something to wish

for.

Once we have tended each other

I will keep the driftwood.

Place it into my pocket.

Press my lips to the points of a pentagram

And gently toss you back to the reef

We will part ways.

I will tilt your kiss upright

And give the beach its time

back.

But I will always have your sunburn.

And you

You will have my footprints.

Cheeks full of kissed and sleeping

starfish

Courtesy of  Ryan Corb.

I couldn't ask for a better friend in him. 

champion forever.

March 12 2010 

5:43PM 

I received possibly the worst phone call of my life; for sure the worst thus far. 

My boyfriend, at the time, had just witnessed his best friend pass away in a motorcycle accident. And in that moment the world stopped. My world stopped. Immediately I jumped in my car and drove to where he was but everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I got out of my car and ran towards the debris, feeling like if I could just get there faster I could do something to fix it but it seemed as though my legs wouldn't move my body any closer. This was the first time I had experienced anything like this. Never had I been forced to lose someone so close to me that was so young nor had I known anyone that actually witnessed death. I lost one of my friends that day and my boyfriend all the same. 

Death changes people. Guilt, fear, anger - it stays with you. It crawls so deep inside that there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. You get in to a dark place that no one else seems to understand, where nothing really makes a difference to you. However death is inevitable and losing Chris changed my life for the better. It has challenged me daily to see the beauty in all of God's work and stay positive no matter what situation arises. He had such a passion for Jesus and lived with such assurance that he was going to the Kingdom in Heaven that through everything I have hope. 


Recently there was a memorial at the cemetery. The doubts that filled my head that day overwhelmed me; not knowing whether to go or whether I would be able to hold myself together for the hour we were standing there. I easily became furious with others and the Lord - hurt welled inside me and I was taken back to the phone call I had so unwillingly received a year prior. But when I got there ... the birds were chirping, the sun was shining and his parents - they were smiling. 


In that moment I was able to see the beauty in death. In his death. 

Challenge: Find joy in the situations that hurt you the most. Stop and thank the Lord for your pain and suffering and remember that something good comes out of everything bad. 

hogwarts or bust.

At age 22 you would think that I chose to spend my spring break down in Panama City or on South Padre Island getting truly obliterated off of Keystone or jello shots. Though that may be the most chosen path myself and three of my friends took a different route: Universal Studios: Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Oh, how glorious it was.

It was everything the four of us had hoped for and more. Our [well my favorite experience] was butterbeer. It should be bottled and sold worldwide. Possibly the most delicious beverage I have ever tasted in my life, and there isn't even any alcohol in it ... the simple joys in life.

For the three days that we were in Orlando we had some of the best bonding time best friends could ask for. I couldn't be more lucky to know such wonderful women and have them as a part of my life. I start to wonder how my life would be different if they didn't exist for me and inside I get slightly nervous. They have been there for everything. They are the only three girls I know in the world that would sacrifice a wild and crazy spring break just to ride the Flight of the Hippogriff with me. I am blessed, truly.

good [and bad] things come in 3's.

THE GOOD

..... 1.  As of currently, I believe my Teach For America interview went well. And by "well" I mean as good as an awkward 45 minute phone conversation with a stranger can go; but I'm not complaining. I am one step closer and as of now all I can do is wait. 


..... 2. I have phenomenal friends. You may think your friends are the greatest but that's pretty much a false statement. Within the past week we have made two home cooked meals, learned how to dougie via Justin Bieber, watched a sad amount of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and planned multiple road trips for the near future. Undeniably they make my world go round. 


..... 3. Working out has become an awesome new habit. Which has led to me agreeing to run a 5K with my roommates this Friday. Never in my life did I think this would be a possibility for myself - much less something I would ever agree to. But I have and though I don't think I will run the whole 3.1 miles or whatever it may be, I am pretty sure I will kick ass regardless. 

THE BAD

..... 1.  Not getting to see Gixxer. The ex-boyfriend and I aren't on the best of terms which means "our" dog is no longer "ours" it is his; which I hate, if I haven't mentioned that yet. So unfair. I have no control in the situation. I feel awful because I get the feeling I will never get to see him again. Something I just have to deal with I guess. 

..... 2. I am feeling pretty eh as of lately. Not really sure if I am getting sick or what but I am kind of in a mellow mood, as I quote my dear friend Olivia. Life just seems kind of blah, the weather is super gross and I am definitely coming down with a cold; fail. This all needs to do a 180, asap. 

..... 3. One of my friends, who has a child that I LOVE, told me that we are no longer going to be able to speak. To say I was distraught is an understatement. Not only am I losing my friend but their precious little girl as well. I thought things were heading in the right direction - that we were on the same page with our friendship - apparently I was wrong. Slap in the face: check. 

THE UGLY

..... I am sure there are three who's or what's that are ugly in my life but we shall save this for another day .....

For now I leave you with this: 

[Challenge]

Forgive someone. Try to at least. Regardless of how big or small the issue between the two of you is, make an attempt to fix it. Animosity and anger only spur more hate within yourself - just see what happens.