flo-rida.

March 16, 2012 may just so happen to go down in the history books. At least in my books it will. Ty got into FSU. FSU ... as in Florida State ... as in he is going to be getting his PhD. When we walked up to my door and handed me that sheet of paper my heart was overcome with joy. It may have been one of the proudest moments of my life. I haven't been by his side through all his years of hard work. But the past seven months I have seen him truly bust it in hopes that this dream would be a reality. And after watching him I can honestly say there is not anyone that deserves this opportunity more than he does. God has blessed us both with this news. The stress of not knowing is finally lifted and we can start creating a plan that is going to lead us to where we need to be. This fall is going to bring so many wonderful things and I am more excited than words can express. What God has in store for each of us and for our life together is so much better than anything we could have ever imagined. I am just thrilled that we are able to start this journey together. It is a long time away but I know time will fly; till fall rolls around though I may just stare at his acceptance letter a little more. 

first time for everything.

This is going to be all over the place. Stay with me. 

- First time in a long time that I will be missing the Aggie football opener. I thought I missed being a student but as the first game of the season approaches I realize just how much I miss my second home. College Station is some place I will always be able to go and remember a time in my life that some of my best and worst memories happened. Hopefully I will get to attend a few games this season and many more in the years to come. Can't wait to be back in the best student section in college football. 

- Best friend left for Spain today. Such a weird feeling. She is going to have the time of her life, I have no doubt but I am going to miss her dearly. She left the three of us here and of course we will manage to get by but it is never the same when all of us aren't together. So glad I have these girls in my life. 

- Mom is on my case again. About everything. But more so about going to graduate school. She made me make an appointment with St. Thomas downtown for next week to talk to them about getting my MLA. It doesn't sound like such a bad plan but who knows. We will see if I can even get in. Ugh. I should've done better as an undergrad. D for diploma is killing me. I mean granted I did better than straight D's but for goodness sake it's like since I don't have a 4.0 I don't mean anything. Stupid society.

- Wedding to go to this weekend. It'll be a fun time. Getting to see quite a few people that I do not get to spend enough time with. Hopefully it will help us all reconnect and stay in touch better. All in all should be pleasant. 

- Been running lately. Granted I haven't been running as far as I would like but alas it is like 112 degrees outside so I am proud of however far I can make it. I am hoping to just build up my tolerance but we will see. Contemplating on getting a membership to a gym around here. I have some friends who joined one that is rather cheap - so we will see. I miss the REC - boo.

- Looking forward to the next few months. Should make for more exciting memories. The best is yet to come right? 

- Anna's funeral is tomorrow. I can't go. I wish I could. Part of me feels like it isn't my place to be there - she and I had only met on a few occasions but her brother and I were a part of each others lives for quite some time. Granted we had drifted but still I wanted to be able to support him. It's never easy. I just hope he and his family can manage to get through the day, one step and one breath at a time. 

forward not backward.

In a time when all I want to do is reminisce about how great my high school and college days were I know I need to be looking forward to all the great things ahead of me. In order to do so - and not focus on how fun prom was or how much I miss FCX - I am going to make a list. A list of all the things I should be thankful for currently and all that I have to be excited about in my upcoming life. 

1. Parents - as much as they frustrate me I know I wouldn't be where I am without them. They love me unconditionally and that is not always the easiest thing to do. 

2. Bests - these three girls are such a blessing in my life. Not only are they a constant support in my life but they also have so much going for each of them as individuals. I am thrilled to be able to live vicariously through each of them as we all start new chapters of our lives. 

3. Vacation - Lake Tahoe is going to be nuts. I don't even know what else to say about that. 

4. Babysitting - though it isn't the ideal job a 22 year old, college graduate could ask for I know that I am lucky to have found the positions that I have. Any money coming in is better than no money coming in. And the families that have hired me are so incredible, with precious children. 

5. December - there are so many reasons why December will be the most wonderful month of my year. Christmas is one of them. 

6. Football Season - not only did the NFL lockout end and I get to see all of my favorite teams play but Aggie football is just around the corner. WHOOP! I am thrilled to be able to get to head back up to College Station and see my Ag's kick some ass. 

As for now that is about all I can think of. I am sure there is more and there will continue to be more. But I am glad to know that I have at least six things to be thankful for and look forward too. Maybe the next few months won't be so bad after all. 

struggling to get by [in every sense of the phrase].

Let me start by saying that if you don't want to listen to someone bitch for a good while then you can quit reading now. 




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Alas if you have gotten to this point then you are prepared for my wrath. 

So here goes nothing. 

As of lately I feel so incredibly discouraged. I feel like I am the only one out of my group of friends that doesn't have something great happening for them in the near future. One of my friends is engaged, another starting a wonderful new job teaching, and the other about to start nursing school and move in with her boyfriend. And guess what ... I can't find a job to save my life and I am living in my old bedroom back home with my parents. It is as if there is no hope. 


Why me huh? 

• I went to college. 
• I did decent. 
• And I graduated from freaking Texas A&M. 

But instead of being able to relish in the grand life of an adult I am babysitting to make money, having family dinners every night and the most exciting thing I do is go grocery shopping with my mom. 


Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my parents. They are excellent. I appreciate everything they have and will ever do for me. Taking me back into their home is above and beyond anything I expected of them. 


But ... I need to get out. Now. Or else I am going to lose my mind. Living outside of my parents home for four years and moving back in with people who you must answer to is probably the worst possible option for anyone. Sure it is great having people buy groceries, do laundry, etc. but the pros do not outweigh the cons. Lectures are a daily occurrence for starters; about everything from how close I stop to the crosswalk while driving to my future. I have a curfew I set for myself so I am not the disrespectful child who stays out all night and has their parents up all night worrying. And so forth. But the worst part is the control. They have all the control. The fact that they do things and pay for things leaves everything in their hands and I have to answer to them.


That whole scenario wouldn't be so miserable if they didn't feel it necessary to tell me what my future is allowed or not allowed to look like. One day I wake up and my mom is handing me something about how to become a nurse - the next how to get into law school - the next I need to become an engineer. None of that is me but me won't make any money and that is unacceptable. Since I have graduated I have felt like the largest disappointment of my parents life. I hate saying that out loud cause I am pretty sure it isn't true but it is honestly how I feel. I have this pit in my stomach that seems to constantly grow larger anytime I have to answer the question, "So what are you doing now that you have graduated?" I politely always have to answer, "Nothing." 

And in that moment I have never been more embarrassed about who I have become. 

time for a new stride.

Friday morning I graduated. I am no longer a student at my beloved Texas A&M but rather a member of the Association of Former Students. I am an Alumni. As excited and thrilled as I am, I have a gut-wrenching pain inside of me as well. Nothing seems to be falling into place and the worry has definitely sunk in. As I am watching all my fellow graduates and friends move out of town and go to start their new lives I wonder how mine will begin. I do not have a job. I do not have any job offers. My current plan consists of moving home, going back to community college and waiting tables. 

Alas, I feel like a massive disappointment. 

Sure, everyone says it is the economy. That things will turn around. I just need to keep looking and something will come. But it is hard to believe. Not saying that I think I will be living with my parents for the rest of my life but currently it seems as though that is the path I am headed. 


The sad part is is that I know I am capable. I know I can do so much better. I want to create a life for myself. Full of happiness and meaning. I want to be successful and make my family proud, make myself proud. But nothing is easy anymore. I am an adult. I can no longer fall into the comforting wings of a schedule of classes, studying for tests and meetings for organizations. I now have to work harder than ever before to create something for myself from scratch and that my friends is hella scary. 


Texas A&M gave me the best four years of my life. Not every day was a piece of cake. I failed tests, had a broken heart, fought with my parents, lost friends and fought every day to keep going. But in all of the pain I learned how to be myself. I grew into someone that I could never have imagined I would be. I gained new friends, stood strong, passed tough classes, loved deeply, and was truly blessed by my mom and dad. I move out of my world in NINE days. I move to the unknown. I wish I could stay here sing the War Hymn, scream my lungs out at Kyle Field, sit people watching in Academic Plaza, run around the Quad, have lunch at Sbisa and go out to Northgate. But I can't. My life is no longer following my plan. 


And I just have to let it go, let it be and be an adult. 

good [and bad] things come in 3's.

THE GOOD

..... 1.  As of currently, I believe my Teach For America interview went well. And by "well" I mean as good as an awkward 45 minute phone conversation with a stranger can go; but I'm not complaining. I am one step closer and as of now all I can do is wait. 


..... 2. I have phenomenal friends. You may think your friends are the greatest but that's pretty much a false statement. Within the past week we have made two home cooked meals, learned how to dougie via Justin Bieber, watched a sad amount of Extreme Makeover Home Edition and planned multiple road trips for the near future. Undeniably they make my world go round. 


..... 3. Working out has become an awesome new habit. Which has led to me agreeing to run a 5K with my roommates this Friday. Never in my life did I think this would be a possibility for myself - much less something I would ever agree to. But I have and though I don't think I will run the whole 3.1 miles or whatever it may be, I am pretty sure I will kick ass regardless. 

THE BAD

..... 1.  Not getting to see Gixxer. The ex-boyfriend and I aren't on the best of terms which means "our" dog is no longer "ours" it is his; which I hate, if I haven't mentioned that yet. So unfair. I have no control in the situation. I feel awful because I get the feeling I will never get to see him again. Something I just have to deal with I guess. 

..... 2. I am feeling pretty eh as of lately. Not really sure if I am getting sick or what but I am kind of in a mellow mood, as I quote my dear friend Olivia. Life just seems kind of blah, the weather is super gross and I am definitely coming down with a cold; fail. This all needs to do a 180, asap. 

..... 3. One of my friends, who has a child that I LOVE, told me that we are no longer going to be able to speak. To say I was distraught is an understatement. Not only am I losing my friend but their precious little girl as well. I thought things were heading in the right direction - that we were on the same page with our friendship - apparently I was wrong. Slap in the face: check. 

THE UGLY

..... I am sure there are three who's or what's that are ugly in my life but we shall save this for another day .....

For now I leave you with this: 

[Challenge]

Forgive someone. Try to at least. Regardless of how big or small the issue between the two of you is, make an attempt to fix it. Animosity and anger only spur more hate within yourself - just see what happens.