Courtesy of P.Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

designed to radiate.

There is such a huge conviction that has welled up inside me over recently. I am empty. I am alone and I am empty. I no longer can hide the fact that I have a huge hole inside of my heart and I long so badly to fill it with anything that will satisfy me no matter how fleeting those things may be.


I attended a retreat this weekend for an organization I am involved in, Aggie Sisters for Christ. Our goal as a group and as individuals is know the Jesus and make Him know. We are supposed to be a light in the darkness of this world and I am designed to radiate Jesus' love and mercy.


I don't do that. 


I lie. 
I cheat.
I gossip.
I am impure. 
I boast.
I am proud. 
I lust.
I envy.
I am not kind.
etc. etc. etc.


I never realized how much of an impact one life could have until our speaker, Marian Jordan, was discussing the life of one of her friends who passed away tragically. After she was gone an incredible ripple effect on all the men and women she encountered in her life was noticed. The room full of people that she had witnessed to was hundreds plus. I don't think that that is a picture of my life. Not that I am in  any way striving to be Jill yet I do envy, there I go again, that she is more like Jesus than I feel I could ever be.


Recently I lied to my three best friends about something that in their eyes was huge but in mine felt justified. I am alone. I am empty and alone. And I didn't want to feel any more alone by not feeling their support on a decision I had chosen to make for myself. When I chose to lie I felt little to no conviction. It was a passing moment that got me out of a conversation I really, really did not want to have. And yet as we screamed, yelled and cried this evening during our four way call - yes, those exist now ... who knew - I wanted to throw up. I felt the disappointment of Christ literally within the pits of my stomach. Marian spoke a lot about how the battle between the conviction you feel and the ways of the world is a good thing; it shows you that you are a daughter of Christ and not someone who is walking in darkness. So as awful as I felt in that moment I also had a sense of overwhelming peace. There was a battle going on and though I have failed, the Word of the Lord is better and He has forgiven me. 


The decision I made for myself is solely based upon love. I love him. I have never stopped loving him. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no explanation. It doesn't make a bit of sense and well, here I am. 


Though I know that he is the one for me I also know that I need ... rather, want to be loved. That is my desire for myself. And yet I find it so funny because I am unconditionally loved by the King and I can't always see it. I am fully aware of my fault; I choose to seek after worldly love and boys because they are tangible. I say this not to make anyone doubt my feelings for who I have chosen but rather to clarify any confusion that may have come from the situation. I know where I stand with myself and with God. To me that is all that matters at this point. So from now on I am going to radiate. 

May the words of my mouth

And the thoughts of my heart

Be a light in the dark that shines

The glorious love of my King

Who called and chose and redeemed

The broken beautiful made clean

His Bride

Oh I was designed to radiate

Yes Your Bride is alive to radiate

Jesus You are better I give You all of me

Jesus I surrender I lay down every dream

To rise, lift my eyes and radiate

I will rise, lift my eyes and radiate 

Radiate: Donna Stuart

a week of truth [11/30 thru 15/30]

30 Days of Truth
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit .

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Oh dear. I am going to go with my hair. People always think it is so thick, beautiful and long. In reality [the majority of the time] I am not the biggest fan of it. I think it is too long and too thick. On a good day it takes me roughly thirty minutes simply to blow dry. And then another good fifteen to straighten it. When I leave it wavy it slowly but surely increases in size and looks like a lions mane. All this is from my perspective though so alas if it gets me compliments then I will just deal with it. 


This is incredibly short but I am unsure how else to elaborate. Next ...

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I never get compliments on  my smile. I am perfectly okay with that too. One of my teeth really ticks me off. I had braces when I was twelve and thirteen. You know the days when you really wanted braces to be cool and then you got them and hated life ... that was my experience. SO when I was told that my braces were coming off I pretty much vowed to never do another thing the orthodontist told me because I had been listening to him for far too long. Issue: I didn't wear the retainer given to me. Stupid. Now one of my top teeth is crooked. I so wish I had listened to Dr. Anderson. Oh and I am willing to admit that they are more than slightly yellow from the amount of coffee I drink. Basically I know exactly why no one compliments me on my "pearly whites" and I just don't care much.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
My dearest Emery,

I have never had anyone as reliable as you in my life. No matter the situation you are the ones I can always rely upon. In good days and bad your words seem to make the tears flow and pass more quickly and the smiles to come regardless of the situation. Thank you for never betraying or abandoning me. No matter how insane I seemed or how distraught I was you were always there to make sense of the world and calm me down. You are the ones that have helped me clarify my thoughts and release my anger. It is unreal to me what I would have done on some days had I not been able to just blare your music as high as I could while shouting the lyrics out as I drove down the highway. Windows down, hair blowing in my face ... nothing could be better. Though I know your days will come to an end at some point I will never allow my loyalty to you to fade. Your albums have significantly changed my life. I will be listening to The Question on repeat every day I need some helping getting by from now until eternity. I can't say how much your music has meant to me. That sounds silly to say out loud. But you have helped me survive in a way. 

Love. 


Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Dear John:
I hate your stinking guts. 
You make me vomit.
You're scum between my toes.
Love, Maggie

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
This question was incredibly difficult. Not because I don't know who or what I couldn't live without but rather because I have never tried to live without any of those particular things. Duh, cause then I would die. So I think I am just going to leave that particular little part of the phrase out when considering my answers. If I suddenly remember something that fits the particular qualifications I will make sure to add a side note but I don't think there is much of anything. 


My parents first and foremost. I suppose I have had my spurts of living without them. College has been a difficult time for me. I am incredibly close to my parents - I mean call them at least five or six times a day - and love going home to just hang out and enjoy their company. Coming to school and leaving home was not an easy process. It wasn't necessarily that I had to live without them but rather I felt like I had too. I didn't want to be the girl that went home every weekend or relied on them for everything so I just chose to remove myself from their grasp. By far the most difficult experience of my life. They help me keep my sanity. I could have done it all by myself but I didn't want to. The strength and courage that I draw from them is absolutely incredible. Knowing that one day they are both going to be gone is a tough realization. I don't want to live without them.


Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself. 

abc's of my current life.

A: Adventure. This summer is going to be the biggest adventure of my life. I am incredibly ready to be a 22 year old college graduate attempting to take on the world. Whether it be with my family, friends or simply alone to say that I am excited to see what is in store is an understatement. 


B: Bored. I am bored with life, with College Station, with school ... with waking up and doing the same damn thing every damn day. I need a change. And I need one ASAP. 


C: College. I only have one test, two assignments, two papers and twenty-six days that stand in between me and my diploma. The past four years have gone by much too fast. It feels like just yesterday my parents were dropping me off in my dorm and I was hysterical. Now I am a grown-up. I should use that term lightly as my mom would remind me. 


D: Drinking. My roommates and I have made it a goal of ours to have 50 empty bottles of alcohol in our house by the time we graduate. Classy, I know. These are things we have been collecting since last year when we all graced the legal drinking age. So obviously we aren't total lushes. However we are only at 35 bottles. That leaves us a good 15 bottles to go and only 25 days. Epic. 


E: Excess. Life, mine included, is full of excess. I am starting to weed through everything I have collected over the past year as I prepare to move out of my house and it is just plain silly the amount of stuff I have. Next house/apartment/shack [whatever I can afford] that I move into will definitely be de-cluttered. 


F: "For sure". This is my new phrase thanks to the infamous Mister Minks himself. It has replaced all other affirmative statements that were in my vocabulary and I am more than okay with that. 


G: Galveston. Myself and three friends went to the beach for the weekend. Not only was it a much needed break from the routine we are all set in it was wonderfully relaxing. It reminds me of how much I miss being there as a kid with my grandparents. A good reminder about how family and memories can bring an unexpected smile to my face always. 


H: Hummus. Yes, this is still a new love in my life. I don't know what I ever did without it. It is the perfect, healthy snack food. I have a whole new appreciation for garbonzo beans, or chickpeas if you like the lame-o name. 


I: Instantaneous. Driving the 2 hours and 45 minutes to and from Galveston this weekend was by far not my favorite thing to do. Granted I enjoyed the time I was there but I also became all to aware of my impatience. Life is ridiculous nowadays. Everything is instant. My parents have the ability to watch the news, surf the internet, order food, and rent a movie all from the living room television. As much as I appreciate how fast paced and quick the world has become I hate that it has made me think that a three hour drive is too much to ask. 


J: Justified. Such an under appreciated television show. Hate that I have to watch it on Hulu after the fact each week because I have a prior commitment that takes up my Wednesday nights. I give thanks to Travis for getting me hooked on one of the best shows I have seen since Grey's [which will always be #1 in my heart]. If you don't watch it, start. Oh and start from the beginning or you will be confused as all hell. 


K: Kites. Meagan kept talking this weekend while we were on the beach about how she wished we had bought a kite to fly. The wind/weather was perfect for it and there were plenty of other people participating in the activity themselves. My daddy and I used to fly kites together. Oh how I wish I was still in those days and those moments sometimes. Maybe we will make it happen again over Easter weekend. 


L: Love. So very cliche, I know. But alas here I am. I hate love. An oxymoron at its best. It is by far the most confusing, complicated, unfaltering, painful, exciting thing in the world. And yet it seems to constantly slip in and out of my fingers. All I want is to be happy again. To be in love, in a steady, seemingly normal, easy relationship and be happy. 


M: Mumford & Sons. I want to know where they have been my whole life. I could listen to their CD on repeat for days on end. As much as I don't want them to follow the great band, turns mainstream, goes bad pattern ... I SO wish they were played more on the radio and played more shows around me. Plus the Mumford & Sons Pandora station owns. 


N: Nothing. That is what I so badly want to be thinking about currently. I would love to not have a million things running through my mind all day and night. I would love to just have a peace of mind and not be stressed. Do nothing, say nothing, think nothing, feel nothing ... it may be not be all it's cracked up to be but trying it for one day sounds like a phenomenal idea. 


O: Opportunity. I thought that graduating from Texas A&M would be my ticket in the real world. I didn't ever assume that I would be planning on moving home, going back to community college to get an associates and waiting tables to earn a living. I was supposed to gain an opportunity from the time, energy, and money I spent pouring into my education over these past four years. Frustration is an understatement. Hopefully somewhere along the way a better opportunity comes along ... we will see. 


P: Profanity. I curse wayyy too much. Definitely way more than I would like. And I have no idea why or how it happened. I think if my parents were to wash my mouth out with soap it might help, kidding. But seriously ...


Q: Queen. Today I was on Yahoo reading some of the latest news stories and I, of course, stopped to read about Kate Middleton and Prince William. Their upcoming nuptials are in the news everywhere and I am not one to not be "in the know". There was a list of things that the soon to be Princess Kate will not be allowed to do once she gets married. As I was reading this they kept mentioning Queen Elizabeth and how she abides by all these rules. She is technically allowed to vote but it is frowned upon. When she stops eating everyone else at the table is expected to be finished as well, regardless of how much is left on their plate. I was shocked. Oh to have the power ... 


R: Reading. Definitely a lost art. In all the hustle and bustle of life people rarely pick up books and get lost in the pages. My roommate Monica just recently reminded me of how much I love to read. She purchased "Heaven is for REAL" and finished the whole thing in one day. I have since borrowed it from her and began reading it myself. It is definitely worth the read and has helped me rekindle my love for opening up another world each night before I fall asleep. 


S: Statistics for the Terrified. This book is going to be the death of me. As is my Methods class. I might just punch myself in the face. And by "might" I mean either that or I am going to die from confusion/frustration/boredom. UGH. This class is absolutely miserable. And you would think the book is there to help you but alas all it has done is make statistics and math an even more loathed subject in my life. 


T: Time. There definitely is not enough of it in the day. I find myself constantly scrambling to finish all the activities that I need to get done within a 24 hour period. The more I have started to look at how little time there is left before I leave this town I start to panic. I have no idea how I am going to pack up four years of my life, hang out with all the people I have become so close too, or how I am going to manage to say goodbye to it all. If only I could make things slow down. 


U: Underwear. I was on DayZero recently and was trying to find more goals for myself ... one of them said, "Throw all of my underwear away and start over". It seemed silly but then as I contemplated adding it to my list I got very uneasy. I mean it is just underwear. No one ever sees which pair I have on but me so why should it matter? I thought about it and wanted to justify keeping some pairs and only getting rid of the pairs I don't like. But that isn't the goal ... I am supposed to throw all of them away. Weird that I am attached to something that matters so little. Maybe one day ... 

* Side note ... these next few letters were rather difficult so excuse the goofiness. I may have just chose words that started with the necessary letter and made up some outlandish way that they relate to me currently ... End side note. *

V: Velocipede. Yes, I looked up words online that started with the letter "v". This was the first one I came to that I didn't know what it meant. Here is everyone's vocabulary [another good "v" word, for the win] lesson for the day. Velocipede is an early form of bicycle propelled by working pedals on cranks fitted the the front axle.


W: Weather. This is something I have been in love with lately. The sun is shining and although it is getting relatively warm outside I am adoring it. To be able to walk outside and feel the rays of the sun beaming on me and the heat of the day is much needed. It brings a weird energy that seems to infect everyone around. I am sure this feeling won't last for too terribly long since 90+ degrees is inevitable but for now I am thrilled by how God is blessing me in the smallest way. 


X: X-Ray. My back is pretty messed up. If you are reading this you may or may not be that close with me, not too sure. However a little background - I have scoliosis - real bad. My spine makes a backwards S shape. It is pretty wicked to say the least. And rather painful. The point of this is not to just come up with some "x" word [maybe a little] BUT to go ahead and agree with my mom and everyone else that I need to go get X-rays taken again ... and possibly give into the fact that I need surgery. I hate giving in. 


Y: Yuck. Fact: I just ate a grape that was mushy. Yuck. 


Z: Zabagliones. I had to do the same thing with the letter "z" as I did for "v". Mainly because the only thing that was popping into my head was zebras and xylophones. Xylophone doesn't even start with "z" it just sounds like it. Regardless ... another vocabulary lesson. Zabagliones: light foamy custard-like dessert served hot or chilled. Sounds disgusting. 

miscellaneous madness.

Let's start out by saying that spring semester is pure madness. Since A&M is so focused on football [rightfully so since we owned this year] there is no opportunity to do anything except get drunk/tailgate in the fall; this leaves the beautiful months of March, April and May to be jam packed with absolute craziness for every weekend. I honestly have no and do not have a free weekend from now until after graduation. Talk about stress.

Side note: the house across the street from us is completely gone. And by completely I mean foundation and all. One morning it was there and when I got home from class it was in shambles. Now, I knew this was inevitable - we had been told it was going to be torn down and duplexes were going to be put in but SERIOUSLY? Why in the middle of everything does there have to be a port-o-potty in my view every time I walk out the front door? Why do I have to get checked out by creepy construction workers when I go for an afternoon jog? And why, oh why do I have to hear tractors, drills, and structures crashing down at all hours of the day and night? Rant over. My bad.

My roommate also decided to have a yard sale this weekend - more power to her. I am not one to have the patience for people to drive by in hopes that they might see my belongings and hope they are treasures rather than trash enough to stop. Our whole front yard is covered, as well as the driveway; all in all she is doing a pretty good job. Made a couple bucks and she is going to keep it going all weekend. I basically told her that she should just leave it all in the yard and have it become pieces of art if it doesn't sell ... I don't think she was too keen on my idea. Worth a shot though.

Now for the usual:

Thing [yes, there's only one] I HATE today: 

1. Being sick. I have yet to stop coughing ... hacking up a lung rather, for the past week. Not cool. Additionally I can't seem to really breathe through my nose and my head might just explode from the immense amount of sinus pressure in it. I currently taking allergy medicine, antibiotics, probiotics, breathing treatments and cough medicine. Epic fail. I feel like a walking pharmacy.

LOVE/HATE relationships: 

1. The weather. Though I am pleased that it has yet to reach the 90 degree mark like normal I am not thrilled that it was 47 outside when I woke up yesterday. I was just getting used to the idea of shorts, sandals and summertime and instead I had to wear jeans, UGG boots and a sweatshirt. Therefore it is a definite love/hate relationship. I wish we could just have a happy medium kind of weather for a while ... you know - maybe have seasons. Yeah, that would be nice.

2. Radio stations. Oh how I wish College Station had decent music that was played. But alas, I am stuck listening to Pink, Avril Lavigne and Bruno Mars. I need to invest in Sirius XM again but it is just so dang expensive. And since I am a poor college student it is not so much of an option. 

Things I LOVE: 

1. Aggie Relay For Life. Celebrate, Remember, Fight Back. Can I just say that I am stoked to be staying up all night participating in one of my favorite charities tonight? Wahoo. Not only has my team kicked butt and raised over our goal but it is just going to be a blast. Tons of food, music, friends and we are all gathering for a great cause. What a nice way to spend my Friday night. 

2. Catch Phrase. This game is severely underrated. I don't think I have ever laughed as much in my life as when my roommate Meagan and I choose to get real serious about Catch Phrase. You can play with however many people for five minutes or hours and you are guaranteed a good time. E-tailer, hedge trimmer, respect ... the laughs go on and on.

Challenge: 

Laugh until you pee your pants. 

Yes, I am being serious. 

Forget the stress and just let yourself go. 

Not only will you be happier but you will get a great ab workout. 

toby, josh, matt and dave.

One of my favorite things to do with a new CD is go through each song and find lyrics that really stand out to me. I am a huge believer in the power of music and how it can affect people in strong ways. There have been so many albums that have genuinely helped me get through hard times and others that have allowed me to celebrate the good times in the best way possible. 

Emery happens to be my favorite band - thanks to an old friend - and if you ever listen to their music you will know why. Not only are their lyrics powerful but their voices stand strong. I feel like as I hear each song from all of their CD's I am able to find a way that it relates to my life; that takes immense talent on their part to actually be able to connect with a listener. Their newest CD "We Do What We Want" came out yesterday and has been on repeat on iTunes ever since. It is amazing to me how words can have such an impact. 

The Cheval Glass:

The worst isn't ever the curse of the cleverest lines

Sang the song of never, never believed that you meant it this time

Scissors:

I never saw this coming, you can lose what you found 

The Anchors:

I had become more than what I had dreamed
The look of the youth but with hands stained

The Curse of Perfect Days:

I've never been scared like this
Of losing more than I have to give

You Wanted It:

We were all reciting messages and pushing repeat

I'm Not Here For Rage I'm Here For Revenge:

This is the first time that I have ever looked inside myself

Daddy's Little Peach:

When, will I be old enough to do as I please?

Addicted to Bad Decisions:

Tell yourself it was wrong when it hurts.
But the unoriginal you would have never worked

I Never Got To See The West Coast:

All the worst parts you wouldn't want me to see
The same parts, I have in me

Fix Me:

When we open our mouths we have someone to blame