I attended a retreat this weekend for an organization I am involved in, Aggie Sisters for Christ. Our goal as a group and as individuals is know the Jesus and make Him know. We are supposed to be a light in the darkness of this world and I am designed to radiate Jesus' love and mercy.
I don't do that.
I lie.
I cheat.
I gossip.
I am impure.
I boast.
I am proud.
I lust.
I envy.
I am not kind.
etc. etc. etc.
I never realized how much of an impact one life could have until our speaker, Marian Jordan, was discussing the life of one of her friends who passed away tragically. After she was gone an incredible ripple effect on all the men and women she encountered in her life was noticed. The room full of people that she had witnessed to was hundreds plus. I don't think that that is a picture of my life. Not that I am in any way striving to be Jill yet I do envy, there I go again, that she is more like Jesus than I feel I could ever be.
Recently I lied to my three best friends about something that in their eyes was huge but in mine felt justified. I am alone. I am empty and alone. And I didn't want to feel any more alone by not feeling their support on a decision I had chosen to make for myself. When I chose to lie I felt little to no conviction. It was a passing moment that got me out of a conversation I really, really did not want to have. And yet as we screamed, yelled and cried this evening during our four way call - yes, those exist now ... who knew - I wanted to throw up. I felt the disappointment of Christ literally within the pits of my stomach. Marian spoke a lot about how the battle between the conviction you feel and the ways of the world is a good thing; it shows you that you are a daughter of Christ and not someone who is walking in darkness. So as awful as I felt in that moment I also had a sense of overwhelming peace. There was a battle going on and though I have failed, the Word of the Lord is better and He has forgiven me.
The decision I made for myself is solely based upon love. I love him. I have never stopped loving him. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no explanation. It doesn't make a bit of sense and well, here I am.
Though I know that he is the one for me I also know that I need ... rather, want to be loved. That is my desire for myself. And yet I find it so funny because I am unconditionally loved by the King and I can't always see it. I am fully aware of my fault; I choose to seek after worldly love and boys because they are tangible. I say this not to make anyone doubt my feelings for who I have chosen but rather to clarify any confusion that may have come from the situation. I know where I stand with myself and with God. To me that is all that matters at this point. So from now on I am going to radiate.
May the words of my mouth
And the thoughts of my heart
Be a light in the dark that shines
The glorious love of my King
Who called and chose and redeemed
The broken beautiful made clean
His Bride
Oh I was designed to radiate
Yes Your Bride is alive to radiate
Jesus You are better I give You all of me
Jesus I surrender I lay down every dream
To rise, lift my eyes and radiate
I will rise, lift my eyes and radiate
Radiate: Donna Stuart
No comments:
Post a Comment