[18/30].

30 Days of Truth
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit .

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on my smile.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (write a letter.)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without. 

Day 17 → A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Here's the damn deal ... everyone needs to mind their business, fa sho. It confuses me when I start thinking about why anyone would even care if two men or two women got married - it doesn't concern me. These people are not hurting me in any way by choosing to spend the rest of their life with the one they love. There are marriages out there that really shouldn't be taking place. Abusive relationships, adulterous relationships ... so on and so forth [yet] no one goes about their day protesting that the men and women who are't faithful or kind to one another shouldn't get married. As a society we are so concerned with what is right or wrong and many do not take kindly to homosexuality. It's stupid. We are called to love one another. To be accepting. So who am I to cast a stone and put rules and infringements on a lifestyle just because it happens to be different than mine ?!

just saying ...

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

[17/30]

30 Days of Truth
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit .

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on my smile.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (write a letter.)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without. 

Day 17 → A book you've read that changed your views on something.

Hands down Blue Like Jazz. This is a book that I could read and re-read every month. As time passes by spirituality becomes confusing to me. I feel like I am failing at being a Christian. This book teaches me, in a funny way, that not only am I not the only one who is sucking it up but that I need to press on. 

I know it says "changed" my views on something. So I guess it has changed my perspective of what Christianity is supposed to look like. Everyone assumes that we as Christians never fail, never fall down, and never screw up. Everyone assumes we enjoy church all the time, love following the rules, and never question our faith. 

NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.

I fail, fall, and screw up. I don't always enjoy church, I am awful at following rules and I question my faith almost daily. Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller has helped me continuously realize how infinitely gracious my Savior can be no matter how large my short-comings. 

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

it's been awhile. [16/30]

30 Days of Truth
Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for. 

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit .

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on my smile.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (write a letter.)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without it.


Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

I feel like there are quite a few things and people I could put on this list. Let's just name a few: cigarettes, my ex-boyfriend, my uncle, some mean girls from high school, mayonnaise, Will Ferrell movies, incompetent drivers, prejudice, poverty, cancer, Halloween, The Office, pitbulls, caramel, etc. etc. etc.

I am all over the place. My bad.  

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

first time for everything.

This is going to be all over the place. Stay with me. 

- First time in a long time that I will be missing the Aggie football opener. I thought I missed being a student but as the first game of the season approaches I realize just how much I miss my second home. College Station is some place I will always be able to go and remember a time in my life that some of my best and worst memories happened. Hopefully I will get to attend a few games this season and many more in the years to come. Can't wait to be back in the best student section in college football. 

- Best friend left for Spain today. Such a weird feeling. She is going to have the time of her life, I have no doubt but I am going to miss her dearly. She left the three of us here and of course we will manage to get by but it is never the same when all of us aren't together. So glad I have these girls in my life. 

- Mom is on my case again. About everything. But more so about going to graduate school. She made me make an appointment with St. Thomas downtown for next week to talk to them about getting my MLA. It doesn't sound like such a bad plan but who knows. We will see if I can even get in. Ugh. I should've done better as an undergrad. D for diploma is killing me. I mean granted I did better than straight D's but for goodness sake it's like since I don't have a 4.0 I don't mean anything. Stupid society.

- Wedding to go to this weekend. It'll be a fun time. Getting to see quite a few people that I do not get to spend enough time with. Hopefully it will help us all reconnect and stay in touch better. All in all should be pleasant. 

- Been running lately. Granted I haven't been running as far as I would like but alas it is like 112 degrees outside so I am proud of however far I can make it. I am hoping to just build up my tolerance but we will see. Contemplating on getting a membership to a gym around here. I have some friends who joined one that is rather cheap - so we will see. I miss the REC - boo.

- Looking forward to the next few months. Should make for more exciting memories. The best is yet to come right? 

- Anna's funeral is tomorrow. I can't go. I wish I could. Part of me feels like it isn't my place to be there - she and I had only met on a few occasions but her brother and I were a part of each others lives for quite some time. Granted we had drifted but still I wanted to be able to support him. It's never easy. I just hope he and his family can manage to get through the day, one step and one breath at a time. 

i can only imagine ...

Within the past few years I have had a number of people that I was close to pass away. Each time seems to be harder than the next. Not sure if it is because I am older and I slowly begin to realize more and more how each of their deaths are affecting me and significant in their own way. Or if it is because as time as gone on the people passing away around me are becoming a great deal younger. Seeing my grandparents go was sad, of course. I loved them deeply, they were my family - people that would have given their own breath to see me happy and succeed. But when Chris died he was not even of legal drinking age. He had never lived on his own, had a wife or children, etc. His death was so unexpected - one day he was here the next day gone. I was taken a back. Full of shock and hurt. My friend had been stripped away in one of the most gruesome of ways.


And now here we are on what seemed to start off as a lovely day and yet has ended so tragically. It seems to be a cycle that is never ending. Anna has gone to be with her Father in heaven. At a mere 19 years old her precious life was taken out from under her. I know God has a reason. I know that she is finally able to take a deep breath - something she has been so desperately trying to do for so long and yet it doesn't give me peace. I look at her brother, Bernie, whom I love dearly, and question how he is so strong. Of course she is in a better place and finally out of pain but it doesn't make me question things any less. I constantly wonder why .. Why her? Why now? Why this way? But I never get the answers. They are questions I will never know the answers to I am sure. Frustrating. 


I know that Anna's time here on earth was a blessing and what she was sent here to do has been fulfilled but we will all miss her. Her fight, strength and faith that one day she would be free of her awful disease will forever reign in everyone's minds. She had such a contagious smile and that is definitely the way I want to remember her. 


But for now I just need to take deep breaths ...

"life isn't fair ..."

Every comeback I ever made to my parents when I was little somehow revolved around the world fair. It was generally something along the lines of ... "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" [in my whiny adolescent voice]. And alas my parents always came back right at me with, "Well, life isn't fair."


I always knew they were right. I never doubted that life would be unfair. I knew that if things were going someone's way, even mine, then they weren't necessarily going the way someone else would like them to. And I came to accept that as I grew up. It wasn't the most fun thing to realize but it is definitely the one thing that I needed to recognize in life more than anything else. The thing is I don't think you ever really accept that fact. I am grown now, or grown enough, and I still catch myself verbally spouting off the same thing I did as a small child, thinking it almost daily. 


Then I look at my life and those around me... 
- Pawpee died when I was 7; that wasn't fair.
- Grandma died when I was 10; that wasn't fair. 
- Dad got cancer when I was 17; that wasn't fair. 
- Uncle abandoned my family when I was 19; that wasn't fair.
- Mom got cancer when I was 20; that wasn't fair. 
- Meme died when I was 21; that wasn't fair. 


I don't know why I think or thought that it would ever change. Chris died so innocently at the young age of 19. And now I am watching Anna slowly slip away when she too has only had 19 beautiful years. 

I want life to be fair, as much as I know it won't ever be. 

forward not backward.

In a time when all I want to do is reminisce about how great my high school and college days were I know I need to be looking forward to all the great things ahead of me. In order to do so - and not focus on how fun prom was or how much I miss FCX - I am going to make a list. A list of all the things I should be thankful for currently and all that I have to be excited about in my upcoming life. 

1. Parents - as much as they frustrate me I know I wouldn't be where I am without them. They love me unconditionally and that is not always the easiest thing to do. 

2. Bests - these three girls are such a blessing in my life. Not only are they a constant support in my life but they also have so much going for each of them as individuals. I am thrilled to be able to live vicariously through each of them as we all start new chapters of our lives. 

3. Vacation - Lake Tahoe is going to be nuts. I don't even know what else to say about that. 

4. Babysitting - though it isn't the ideal job a 22 year old, college graduate could ask for I know that I am lucky to have found the positions that I have. Any money coming in is better than no money coming in. And the families that have hired me are so incredible, with precious children. 

5. December - there are so many reasons why December will be the most wonderful month of my year. Christmas is one of them. 

6. Football Season - not only did the NFL lockout end and I get to see all of my favorite teams play but Aggie football is just around the corner. WHOOP! I am thrilled to be able to get to head back up to College Station and see my Ag's kick some ass. 

As for now that is about all I can think of. I am sure there is more and there will continue to be more. But I am glad to know that I have at least six things to be thankful for and look forward too. Maybe the next few months won't be so bad after all.