the season of giving up.

Lent. 


I always give things up even though I am not Catholic. My mom is Catholic though. And even though she doesn't give anything up, the ideals of Catholicism have been engrained in me since a very young age. I know how to kneel and stand, I know the Hail Mary prayer, and I know all about holy water, altar boys, and communion. So I tend to give things up for Lent just as any other Catholic would. I suppose it isn't necessarily a prerequisite to be Catholic in order to participate but the two seem to be paired together quite nicely in society.  


This year I started thinking about what I was going to sacrifice and the list was few and far between. I have done all of the common stuff - sweets, soda, Facebook even. I thought about what I could rid myself of that would actually be a difficult sacrifice and nothing really seemed to pop into my head. So instead of removing something from my life I have chosen to add something to my life. I want to read my Bible more and start going back to church. 


My relationship with the Lord has never been as strong as I would have liked it; I think a lot of Christians feel that way. There is always a time in the back of your head when you wonder how you could be doing things better or when you are envious of the people you see at church. Although I have pursued Christ I haven't done so to a degree that I really am happy with. I do want to make Him a center piece in my life, in my relationships and I want the true, genuine desire to make Him known to everyone. 


That being said I am going to read my Bible more. Listen to Breakaway podcasts. [Side note: if you are reading my blog perchance and don't know what Breakaway is - try it out. Ben Stuart is an incredible man of the Lord and speaks pure truth. It is what I miss most about College Station in complete honesty.] Attend church on Sunday and really strive to form a more personal relationship with God. 


With all that being said I think I am going to start writing more on here about what the Lord is teaching me through what I am reading in the Word, etc. as well as continue to write about my day to day life. 

So here goes nothing ... 

This is what I took away from the Breakaway Podcast from 08/29/2011

We have to make a decision to engage God honestly. Generally we take time to engage in every other worldly pursuit besides the Lord. Whether it be sports, work, school, friends - there always seems to be something more important on our plate than taking the time to get to know Jesus. 


Rarely do we think about what can fully come out of our life if we pursue the Lord. We know if we work hard in school we can get a good gob. Or if we make time for our friends they will be there to help us out in difficult situations. But if we combined all of those things, those resources and Jesus - what then could come out of our life?


We were made for the Lord's purpose and our desires were meant to be satisfied by the Lord. We know that we aren't okay. The world isn't ok. And to fix ourselves and fix society it takes more than just self-acceptance. The world can't fix us the way that God can. 


This week at Breakaway the text in Hebrews 11 was studied. In particular Hebrews 11:6 the question of "What does God want from us?" is answered. It is simple. He wants two things. The first being that we must simply believe He exists. And second He wants us to believe that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. God isn't looking for moral conformity. He doesn't just want us to be good people who tell the truth and are kind to others; He is looking for personal intimacy with us. He desires a relationship with each and every one of us and wants to be what fulfills our every need. 


Though it is easier said than done it is the most rewarding thing you can do. When you place your hope in the Jesus instead of people of the earth or worldly things you can be completely satisfied. Because unlike your friends or family, Jesus is capable of all things; it isn't fair to ask your parents or whomever to try and do something they are destined to fail at. 


We need to engage God in our daily lives. We need to strive to know Him through a personal relationship and recognize that that is all He asks of us. He knows we are going to screw up, time and time again, and He is prepared for that. He can handle everything. So we simply need to let go and let God. 

etc. etc. etc.

SO much has been going on as of late. I feel as though the need to update the blog world [as if anyone actually reads this] as to what has been happening in my life. But in case anyone actually does ... and for my own sanity, this will be a compilation of random thoughts floating around in my head. Blogging seems to be the only way I can make sense of things sometimes. 


I had HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE. Can we talk about that for a minute? How ridiculous does that sound ... hand, foot and mouth disease. It sounds like I'm dying. It sounds as though my hands, feet and my mouth are carrying some incurable infection that is going to slowly permeate through the rest of my body and kill me day by day. It sounds disgusting and let me note that as disgusting as it sounds ... it is so much worse. For the brave at heart you are more than welcome to look at images on google of what my poor soft palate, tongue and tonsils had to endure for the past seven days. But let me ensure you all that it was sick nasty. Basically ulcer/blister things form everywhere in your mouth, cover your hands and feet and since it is a virus you just deal with it. Luckily my hands and feet were spared the worst of it but my mouth was miserable. I urge all of you to steer clear if at all possible - not a fun time. 


Due to my illness I had to take time off of working out. Today I start back - that is going to make for a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Boo. 


My dad has restless leg syndrome. Which I never thought was a big deal. It usually only bothers him at night and generally speaking it has never seemed to cause many problems. Over the past few months I have seen it start to agitate him more than normal though. The main symptom is that your legs are restless - crazy I know. It usually only bothers him in the evenings and it is just one of those things where he can't seem to get comfortable. He fidgets a lot, constantly is repositioning his legs ... that sort of thing. But yesterday when we were in the car we started to talk about it and he just spouted off saying, "The doctor said what I have is a precursor to parkinson's so I guess this is something I am going to have to get used to." It came out of nowhere and he said it in such a nonchalant way. I was shocked to say the least. The reality hit me in that moment that my parents are older and I am going to be without them someday. But before that day comes I am going to have to watch them slowly deteriorate before my eyes until they just can't make it anymore. I am 23 and I am not ready to be without my parents. I don't want to have to take care of them all by myself. It's scary to me. I know that precursor doesn't necessarily mean that it is going to happen; my dad may live a long, healthy life and just have to deal with RLS, which would be a blessing. But the comment put the thought in my head and now it is hard not to dwell on it, at least for the time being. 


Valentine's Day passed during my period of illness and although I was more than slightly dying [due to my disease and all] I had the most wonderful surprise I could have ever imagined. Ty decided to show up on my doorstep around 5:30PM on Tuesday the 14th. I was absolutely taken back by his gesture. It showed more than just how much he loves me but it proved how selfless, kind and Godly he is. He made the drive from San Antonio on Tuesday evening even though he had to turn around and drive back Wednesday for his class Thursday morning. Then he came right back Thursday evening and spent the weekend here. I am in awe of how incredible of a man he is. I can't imagine how exhausted he was or how overwhelming those few days must have been. He continues to prove to me every day just how lucky and blessed I am. And I hope he knows that I realize and thank God daily for putting him in my life. 

Pinterest has overtaken my soul. Especially recently when I had nothing to do but stalk people on Facebook and pin thousands of useless items to my boards, I realized just how many cool things there actually are online. In my spare time and over the past few months I have actually followed through on some of my Pinterest posts. 

Blue Moon Cupcakes. Myself and two of my best friends took on this challenge for a Superbowl gathering we were having and let me tell you they turned out fabulous. Of course they didn't look like the picture, they never do, but they tasted awesome. Definitely worth a try for a gathering or when you are just craving something different and fun. After thinking about it we realized you can do this with any kind of fruitier beer, whether it be Corona [if you enjoy lime] or Leinenkugel Berry Weiss [for a berry flavor]. 


Pumpkin Dump Cake. I made this a while ago during the Thanksgiving/Halloween season so I do apologize for not posting about it sooner. Pumpkin may not compliment many of your dishes right now since it is more of a fall kind of food but this was a delicious dessert. Very rich though. It was definitely easy to make and I enjoyed every last bit of it. My parents make a dump cake that is more year round but when I saw this I couldn't pass it up. 


The Ol' Switcheroo. I didn't do this at the beginning of the year like it suggests but it is definitely an incredible idea. I have WAY more clothes in my closet than I could ever possibly need and I know that I continually go back to wear the same ones over and over again. So in an effort to make some room for new clothes of course I switched all of the hangers in my closet to hang backwards. Each time I wear a shirt I put the hanger the way it it supposed to be. After 3 or 4 months any of the clothes I have that haven't been worn will be given away. Woohoo. 


I am hopefully going to keep my Pinterest obsession going and following through on making some of the recipes and crafts I have posted. 


That is about it. Lots of thoughts still going on but who knows ... I don't have enough energy to say much else currently. 

... false. I have jury duty tonight. And now that I am no longer in college I have zero way of getting out of it. Unless I have kids or am over 70 or something. Suck.

"When did we become adults?...

And how do we make it stop?" 

If any of you who follow me know me at all you are not surprised that the above quote is from the ever famous Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. It is one of those quotes that I find completely applicable to my life the more I sit down and think about it. My birthday was this past Friday. I am 23. Which in reality makes me a grown-up. It makes me an adult. 


But am I really? 

I still want my mommy and daddy around when I am sick. 

I enjoy car jamming - a lot. 

I like to color - and then put my signature on the page and give it to someone.

PB&Banana is still a staple in my diet. 

My stuffed animal, Bear - yes, that's his name, still sleeps with me. 

I hide under the covers when I hear funny noises at night .. like that would stop someone.

Depending on the item - I may still purchase clothes from the juniors department. 

I literally have one bill and it's my cell phone. 

All of those things are qualities and quirks that I really like about myself though. I mean only paying for my cell phone bill isn't necessarily a quality or quirk but for now I will take it. I guess what I am getting at is even though I am age appropriate to be in a suit everyday, paying all my bills and having a stream lined, clean apartment ... I want to enjoy who I am and soak it all up. I know that one day I am going to have a great job, a wonderful husband, a house to clean and kids to take care of - and I guess I hope that all of the above things are still true about me. I don't want to lose a sense of who I am just because I am an "adult". 

two kinds of insanity.

Number ONE. 

Insanity that is the workout. Holy moly. It has been kicking my butt. I have been able to see definite progress in myself when it comes to how much easier the workouts seem, my stamina, etc. Granted I am no Shaun T. but there is some progress happening. That sort of thing is awesome and I am definitely proud of myself BUT I wish I could see more of a change in my body. We are on week three now and though I have veered off the diet a little bit, maybe for five or six meals total, I don't see a lot of difference in how I look. I know the change isn't going to be overnight. And I surely am not expecting to drop a ton of weight or be a totally different person after such a short amount of time but come on ... a little change would be some nice motivation. The scale says I have lost six pounds but when I look at myself I look like the same person. Maybe I am just being too critical ... surprise surprise. Is it too much to ask for the Rachel's legs or Tanya's abs though?!  Who knows. After week four maybe I will take a better look, do measurements or something. For now I better just keep getting after it.

Number TWO. 

Insanity that is substitute teaching for second grade. I almost lost my mind today. I don't know how many times I told kids to sit down on their bottoms, turn off their voices, or to turn around and stop talking to their neighbor. Goodness gracious. At one point I literally almost just walked out of the room and left. It was awful. I am definitely not cut out for elementary education. The whole concept of not being able to rely on them to do anything on their own drives me absolutely nuts. Granted I haven't been subbing long and it was my first experience outside of a high school but I am just so used to the students I am around being self sufficient and not needing me to take the whole class to the bathroom, play the quiet game, or stand with them in the lunch line. There were so many points during the day that "sit down and shut up" almost came out of my mouth. Glad it didn't - they don't deserve that but I swear if my kids ever behave the way some of them did today I would be severely embarrassed as a parent. At least now I know not to do that to myself again. Secondary education it is!

sibling rivalry.

For those of you that know anything about me you are probably wondering how I am writing a blog that revolves around siblings when I, myself, am an only child. It's a good question because I know absolutely nothing about little brothers always rummaging through my stuff or older sisters giving me advice on high school. But what I do know is that my parents both have siblings and it doesn't seem to have worked out in their favor in either case. They each have a brother who seems to have chosen to not be a true family member so to speak. My mom's brother bailed when the going got tough and she was left to care for both of her parents during some very difficult medical conditions. Where as my dad has a brother who has chosen to take advantage of my granddad and use up the majority of the finances that he could get his hands on.

I don't get it. Being an only child I know that I am responsible for taking care of my parents when it gets to that point and I am responsible for managing their finances in the best way possible for them, not using the money in my favor. I have accepted that I will be the one. And I am more than okay with doing whatever I need to do for them; after all they have done above and beyond for me my whole life. The idea of bailing on the two most important people in my life has never so much as crossed my mind. So I started to think how two of my very own family members could be "those" kind of people.

There is no rhyme or reason to why either of them have behaved the way they have. Nothing to set them off into that kind of behavior - that I know of at least. It seems to be there are just truly sad, angry, and un kind people in the world. I have always kind of known that. But having two of them so close to me that they are my own blood makes it all the more real.

My hope is that I can forgive them for what they have done to my grandparents and parents. That in itself is an easier task said than done. But I really need to focus on letting the hate go out of my life. It makes me bitter and mean and more like them than I really ever want to be. At some point my current feelings for them will fade and I will be desperate for them, hopeful that they may change and be better people and maybe even my heart will desire a relationship with them again. But until then I just pray to God that I don't have bones like theirs in my body because I don't know how a person like that lives with themselves.

saying goodbye is hard to do.

So I am going to be incredibly and sincerely sappy throughout this post just to forewarn anyone who is reading ... if you don't want to go there with me then stop here and come back at a later date. Thanks and Gig 'Em :] 

Now that that's out of the way ... for those that don't mind how lovey dovey I am about to be here I hope I live up to the lovestruck school girl you had in mind. I know that technically tomorrow isn't "goodbye" for me and Tyler. Goodbye is super permanent, something that you say to someone who moves to another country or passes away. Those are goodbyes; painful, heart wrenching moments in life that you wish never had to happen. So goodbye seems a little silly to say when he is just heading back to San Antonio. But it happens to be a slightly painful, heart wrenching moment for me when he leaves every time. And I have a feeling this goodbye is going to be a bit more difficult than all the rest because we have had the opportunity to spend almost an entire month together; a whole month where we saw each other every day. It may not seem like much to a lot of people but I have had the opportunity to fall more and more in love with this man every day. I enjoy each moment we get to spend together and learn about each other. Whether we are working out, cooking, watching Home Improvement or hanging out with some of our bests it is all a joy to be with the man I love - the man who makes me a better me. 


As time passes I can see why the Lord placed him in my life in the exact moment that he did. He has brought me pure joy and happiness in a time when I was truly struggling. He has made me feel as loved as I could possibly feel by another human. He has helped me know what it is like to genuinely find your soulmate and want to spend forever with someone else. I always hoped that something like this existed. Hoped that I would find it someday but now it is tangible and I have it in my grasp I couldn't imagine something greater. 


I am sitting here on the couch as he packs up all his stuff around me. It makes me sad to imagine a life without him even if it is only going to be a measly two weeks or something. I am one of the lucky ones - someone who has found the person they were meant to spend their life with and at this point the less time we have to spend apart the better in my eyes. We have already spent 22 or 23 years without each other ... I don't want to increase that number any more than I have to. 


But like I said it is only two weeks. And I can live with two weeks. I have forever to look forward to. With the man I have always dreamed of by my side. So here's to the next fourteen days and to forever. 


It's only the beginning. 

the most wonderful time of the year.

I wanted to write this post previously but with the holidays comes a lack of free time to just sit, reflect and write. So though it is mid January and everyone has so quickly faded from the Christmas spirit, it is exactly that which I want to blog about. 

Christmastime is my absolute favorite. And why shouldn't it be?

BUT

I genuinely forget sometimes how blessed I am. That may sound silly so let me try and explain ... my life sort of just seems like the norm after a while. I begin to think that having two parents who love you is an experience everyone gets. Presents under the tree are no big deal to me anymore because they have always been there and well, why wouldn't they be? Everything that was supposed to happen in my life has. There has never been a day where I woke up feeling hungry or unloved. Never a day where I was worried about having enough clothes to keep me warm or a roof over my head to keep me dry. I have the pleasure each day over Christmas break to wake up and do as I please; overstuff myself full of holiday food, watch silly movies like Elf or Home Alone, and decorate the tree at my leisure.

Very rarely do I recognize how the Lord has blessed me on a regular basis. It seems odd that I forget to do that, especially when Christmas is the time that we are supposed to be celebrating Him most of all. During this time of year everyone loves a little bit more and a little bit deeper. However, we have the tendency to love the wrong things. We focus a tremendous amount of time and energy on gifts, parties, and each other when in reality Jesus needs to be the one we should be centering ourselves around. Don't get me wrong - I have never actually forgotten the true meaning of Christmas and of course I go to church on Christmas eve but I am not really sure if that stuff has as much of a lasting effect on me as it should. 

My Christmas was blessed beyond belief this year. Gifts were abundant and the love I received, not only from my family but also Tyler's, was flowing without a doubt. Getting to relax with friends and wrap presents each night continually brought a smile to my face. I have zero complaints. I just wish I had recognized how lucky I was in the moment that it was all happening and given thanks to the One that deserves it then rather than a month or so later. 

The New Year quickly approached after all the craziness of Christmas died down and I began to think about how I wanted to change my life in 2012. There is so much I want to do for myself and for others - I just don't even know where or how to start at times. I suppose the easiest way to keep up with everything is to write it all down and alas, that is what I am doing here. My goals may seem silly or unreachable but I am hoping to put forth as much of an effort as possible to make these things happen in my life in the following 354 days. 

Here goes nothing ...

- Gain faith and draw closer in my relationship with the Lord

- Cut sweets out of my diet

- Complete Insanity and keep up a workout regimen through the year

- Pursue teaching as my career and begin getting certified 

- Move out of my parents house 

- Find a way to get involved in a non-profit even if it just is through volunteering

- Maintain and grow old friendships while also starting new ones

- Continue to open my heart to the man I love and be a woman he is proud to love

None of it is going to be easy. We are already 11 days into 2012 and I feel everyday like I have failed at something or want to give up. But I haven't yet and that is the best I can do for now. It is a work in progress ... I am a work in progress. And I just hope at the end of the year I look back and am proud of what I managed to accomplish with my family, friends, boyfriend and most importantly the Lord by my side.