i can only imagine ...

Within the past few years I have had a number of people that I was close to pass away. Each time seems to be harder than the next. Not sure if it is because I am older and I slowly begin to realize more and more how each of their deaths are affecting me and significant in their own way. Or if it is because as time as gone on the people passing away around me are becoming a great deal younger. Seeing my grandparents go was sad, of course. I loved them deeply, they were my family - people that would have given their own breath to see me happy and succeed. But when Chris died he was not even of legal drinking age. He had never lived on his own, had a wife or children, etc. His death was so unexpected - one day he was here the next day gone. I was taken a back. Full of shock and hurt. My friend had been stripped away in one of the most gruesome of ways.


And now here we are on what seemed to start off as a lovely day and yet has ended so tragically. It seems to be a cycle that is never ending. Anna has gone to be with her Father in heaven. At a mere 19 years old her precious life was taken out from under her. I know God has a reason. I know that she is finally able to take a deep breath - something she has been so desperately trying to do for so long and yet it doesn't give me peace. I look at her brother, Bernie, whom I love dearly, and question how he is so strong. Of course she is in a better place and finally out of pain but it doesn't make me question things any less. I constantly wonder why .. Why her? Why now? Why this way? But I never get the answers. They are questions I will never know the answers to I am sure. Frustrating. 


I know that Anna's time here on earth was a blessing and what she was sent here to do has been fulfilled but we will all miss her. Her fight, strength and faith that one day she would be free of her awful disease will forever reign in everyone's minds. She had such a contagious smile and that is definitely the way I want to remember her. 


But for now I just need to take deep breaths ...

"life isn't fair ..."

Every comeback I ever made to my parents when I was little somehow revolved around the world fair. It was generally something along the lines of ... "THAT'S NOT FAIR!" [in my whiny adolescent voice]. And alas my parents always came back right at me with, "Well, life isn't fair."


I always knew they were right. I never doubted that life would be unfair. I knew that if things were going someone's way, even mine, then they weren't necessarily going the way someone else would like them to. And I came to accept that as I grew up. It wasn't the most fun thing to realize but it is definitely the one thing that I needed to recognize in life more than anything else. The thing is I don't think you ever really accept that fact. I am grown now, or grown enough, and I still catch myself verbally spouting off the same thing I did as a small child, thinking it almost daily. 


Then I look at my life and those around me... 
- Pawpee died when I was 7; that wasn't fair.
- Grandma died when I was 10; that wasn't fair. 
- Dad got cancer when I was 17; that wasn't fair. 
- Uncle abandoned my family when I was 19; that wasn't fair.
- Mom got cancer when I was 20; that wasn't fair. 
- Meme died when I was 21; that wasn't fair. 


I don't know why I think or thought that it would ever change. Chris died so innocently at the young age of 19. And now I am watching Anna slowly slip away when she too has only had 19 beautiful years. 

I want life to be fair, as much as I know it won't ever be. 

forward not backward.

In a time when all I want to do is reminisce about how great my high school and college days were I know I need to be looking forward to all the great things ahead of me. In order to do so - and not focus on how fun prom was or how much I miss FCX - I am going to make a list. A list of all the things I should be thankful for currently and all that I have to be excited about in my upcoming life. 

1. Parents - as much as they frustrate me I know I wouldn't be where I am without them. They love me unconditionally and that is not always the easiest thing to do. 

2. Bests - these three girls are such a blessing in my life. Not only are they a constant support in my life but they also have so much going for each of them as individuals. I am thrilled to be able to live vicariously through each of them as we all start new chapters of our lives. 

3. Vacation - Lake Tahoe is going to be nuts. I don't even know what else to say about that. 

4. Babysitting - though it isn't the ideal job a 22 year old, college graduate could ask for I know that I am lucky to have found the positions that I have. Any money coming in is better than no money coming in. And the families that have hired me are so incredible, with precious children. 

5. December - there are so many reasons why December will be the most wonderful month of my year. Christmas is one of them. 

6. Football Season - not only did the NFL lockout end and I get to see all of my favorite teams play but Aggie football is just around the corner. WHOOP! I am thrilled to be able to get to head back up to College Station and see my Ag's kick some ass. 

As for now that is about all I can think of. I am sure there is more and there will continue to be more. But I am glad to know that I have at least six things to be thankful for and look forward too. Maybe the next few months won't be so bad after all.