time for a new stride.

Friday morning I graduated. I am no longer a student at my beloved Texas A&M but rather a member of the Association of Former Students. I am an Alumni. As excited and thrilled as I am, I have a gut-wrenching pain inside of me as well. Nothing seems to be falling into place and the worry has definitely sunk in. As I am watching all my fellow graduates and friends move out of town and go to start their new lives I wonder how mine will begin. I do not have a job. I do not have any job offers. My current plan consists of moving home, going back to community college and waiting tables. 

Alas, I feel like a massive disappointment. 

Sure, everyone says it is the economy. That things will turn around. I just need to keep looking and something will come. But it is hard to believe. Not saying that I think I will be living with my parents for the rest of my life but currently it seems as though that is the path I am headed. 


The sad part is is that I know I am capable. I know I can do so much better. I want to create a life for myself. Full of happiness and meaning. I want to be successful and make my family proud, make myself proud. But nothing is easy anymore. I am an adult. I can no longer fall into the comforting wings of a schedule of classes, studying for tests and meetings for organizations. I now have to work harder than ever before to create something for myself from scratch and that my friends is hella scary. 


Texas A&M gave me the best four years of my life. Not every day was a piece of cake. I failed tests, had a broken heart, fought with my parents, lost friends and fought every day to keep going. But in all of the pain I learned how to be myself. I grew into someone that I could never have imagined I would be. I gained new friends, stood strong, passed tough classes, loved deeply, and was truly blessed by my mom and dad. I move out of my world in NINE days. I move to the unknown. I wish I could stay here sing the War Hymn, scream my lungs out at Kyle Field, sit people watching in Academic Plaza, run around the Quad, have lunch at Sbisa and go out to Northgate. But I can't. My life is no longer following my plan. 


And I just have to let it go, let it be and be an adult. 

designed to radiate.

There is such a huge conviction that has welled up inside me over recently. I am empty. I am alone and I am empty. I no longer can hide the fact that I have a huge hole inside of my heart and I long so badly to fill it with anything that will satisfy me no matter how fleeting those things may be.


I attended a retreat this weekend for an organization I am involved in, Aggie Sisters for Christ. Our goal as a group and as individuals is know the Jesus and make Him know. We are supposed to be a light in the darkness of this world and I am designed to radiate Jesus' love and mercy.


I don't do that. 


I lie. 
I cheat.
I gossip.
I am impure. 
I boast.
I am proud. 
I lust.
I envy.
I am not kind.
etc. etc. etc.


I never realized how much of an impact one life could have until our speaker, Marian Jordan, was discussing the life of one of her friends who passed away tragically. After she was gone an incredible ripple effect on all the men and women she encountered in her life was noticed. The room full of people that she had witnessed to was hundreds plus. I don't think that that is a picture of my life. Not that I am in  any way striving to be Jill yet I do envy, there I go again, that she is more like Jesus than I feel I could ever be.


Recently I lied to my three best friends about something that in their eyes was huge but in mine felt justified. I am alone. I am empty and alone. And I didn't want to feel any more alone by not feeling their support on a decision I had chosen to make for myself. When I chose to lie I felt little to no conviction. It was a passing moment that got me out of a conversation I really, really did not want to have. And yet as we screamed, yelled and cried this evening during our four way call - yes, those exist now ... who knew - I wanted to throw up. I felt the disappointment of Christ literally within the pits of my stomach. Marian spoke a lot about how the battle between the conviction you feel and the ways of the world is a good thing; it shows you that you are a daughter of Christ and not someone who is walking in darkness. So as awful as I felt in that moment I also had a sense of overwhelming peace. There was a battle going on and though I have failed, the Word of the Lord is better and He has forgiven me. 


The decision I made for myself is solely based upon love. I love him. I have never stopped loving him. He is who I want to spend the rest of my life with. There is no explanation. It doesn't make a bit of sense and well, here I am. 


Though I know that he is the one for me I also know that I need ... rather, want to be loved. That is my desire for myself. And yet I find it so funny because I am unconditionally loved by the King and I can't always see it. I am fully aware of my fault; I choose to seek after worldly love and boys because they are tangible. I say this not to make anyone doubt my feelings for who I have chosen but rather to clarify any confusion that may have come from the situation. I know where I stand with myself and with God. To me that is all that matters at this point. So from now on I am going to radiate. 

May the words of my mouth

And the thoughts of my heart

Be a light in the dark that shines

The glorious love of my King

Who called and chose and redeemed

The broken beautiful made clean

His Bride

Oh I was designed to radiate

Yes Your Bride is alive to radiate

Jesus You are better I give You all of me

Jesus I surrender I lay down every dream

To rise, lift my eyes and radiate

I will rise, lift my eyes and radiate 

Radiate: Donna Stuart