busy body.

I really swore to myself that this time around I was going to be more diligent in keeping up with my posts. Not necessarily posting everyday, but weekly, maybe a few times a week if I was on top of my game. 

Then life catches up with you and --- BAM! It has been almost 2 weeks since I was last on here. Fail. It's so crazy to think how the small things cause such big distractions. Looking at life in general it is always the same excuse in every arena - I'm too busy to do a quiet time, too busy to go workout, too busy to leave work on time, etc. etc. I have let my "busyness" take over the things that I truly love doing. I love blogging and man, I would kill to leave work on time one day. 

So why do we do it? Why is it that every good intention seems to fail and every act that is supposed to lead to more successes ends in a big womp, womp, womp ... 

We are HUMAN. 

The remainder of this year is going to be full of challenges for me, literally and figuratively. I am taking part in the the #100HappyDays Challenge, which you can read about in my previous post. And I have decided to take on the I Am Second 22 Day Challenge. The general gist is that you receive a video, one per day for 22 days, that you must watch, then share and complete the challenge that comes along with it. On day 4, my the challenge that was sent over along with my video was, "Confess to God what you still hold back. Then give, donate or volunteer some of it to others." 

What I hold back ... is my time. I am selfish with it. For real. I do, what I want to do, when I want to do it. If I were to wake up everyday and start fresh with a quiet time, just me and God, can you imagine what my day might be like? The list could go on for days! So here I am not only confessing to God what I hold back but confessing to each (and all one of you) that read this thing. I am going to give my time. Volunteer my time. Donate my time. That is my challenge. That is where I am going to start. 

#100happydays

This is my second go around with the 100 Happy Days challenge. I started for the first time back in April after having seen the challenge via a fellow friends Instagram. She so effortlessly completed the 100 day task (or so it seemed). I figured there was nothing too it ... how hard could it be to take 1 picture a day for 100 days of things that simply make me happy? I'm a happy person. Piece of cake. But as the days passed I struggled at times to find something that brought a smile to my face. Of course, there were the usual things that always filled me with joy, an "I love you" from C or dinner and quality time with my parents. But I didn't want to be repetitive and post a photo of the same thing over and over again. So around day 80 I gave up. My dad had been diagnosed with lung cancer and my granddad had passed away so finding happiness in the small things wasn't a priority of mine. Quitting was honestly just easier. I found it much more convenient to wallow in my pity and my "woe is me" attitude.

I have no doubt that people in our society, especially now, are always searching for something better. Rarely are people content with what they have right in front of them. The "#firstworldproblems" hashtag floats around social media like we are truly people in peril. I'm not simply pointing the finger here; I will readily admit that I tend to not be happy the way I used to be. I choose to not find joy in the small things some days because I have become used to a standard that is unrealistic. I get upset when things happen to me that I wasn't prepared for. "It isn't fair", often comes out of my mouth, and I allow the frustration to overwhelm any chance of happiness in my day. It eats at me.

With all of that being said I don't quite have a specific reason why I have decided to make a second go at this. Part of me wants to be able to cross it off my checklist and mark it complete. If you know me you know how much I enjoy scratching things off my to do list. But the other part of me so desperately wants to find (and document) the little things that create my happiness.

So here I am on day 3 of my 100 day challenge. So far, so good. I'll keep you posted as I go along.

Till next time ...

M

compassion.

I failed to mention in my life update that I adopted a child. Not actually adopted a child but rather chose to sponsor a child during 2013 via Compassion International. His name is Armel and he lives in Burkina Faso. His birthday is coming up; he'll be 7 years old. He plays soccer with his friends for fun or hide and seek. Want to know the most incredible thing about Armel though? He loves Jesus.

We don't get to talk often because it takes quite some time for letters to get back and forth however when he does write, he says such profound things for child. He asks me to pray for he and his family, that they would be safe and healthy. He asks for me to pray for him that he would excel in school. Armel is truly a child of God. He loves his Savior and even at such a young age he strives to learn more about the Bible, Heaven and Jesus. I sometimes stare at his picture and am in awe.

Yesterday I received and email from Compassion updating me on the status of the Ebola outbreaks in Africa. I don't know how it had not crossed my mind that Armel was in the middle of this but when I saw the email a part of my heart sank. His country has yet to be infected but much of West Africa is now showing cases of the virus, countries that surround his location in Burkina Faso. I wonder if he knows the severity of the situation; if he has any idea that there is an outbreak of a life threatening disease just 800 miles away. Then I remind myself that knowing Armel, it wouldn't matter. For he has given his life to his Lord and is full of joy no matter the situation.

Prayers for Armel flow through my head constantly. I have tried to implement him into my daily life so that he is on my mind as much as possible. There is a picture of him in my wallet, one on my bathroom mirror, etc. I want so desperately for him to know that I am here. I know he is aware that I sponsor him but I don't know if he has a clue how much he of an influence he has on me. I admire him and he inspires me. I hope that I can be half the blessing to him that he is to me.

Please join me in my prayers for Armel and his family.

"You need only to be still, the Lord will fight for you" 

Exodus 14:14

Till next time ...

M

starting over.

Two years have passed since I last wrote a post. I honestly can't remember what made me stop writing but it feels good to be back. There is such as sense of peace and relief I get from typing out my anxiety, fear, joys, etc. and sharing them with whoever is out there - I still haven't decided if anyone actually reads this thing yet. Deciding to come back to the blogging world was a tough choice for me; especially on this same platform. I went back and read many previous posts I had made and my heart began to hurt. So many things have changed. So much of what I wrote about is no more. I contemplated deleting this blog all together and starting over; I even created a new one but never got around to writing on it.

This is where my heart is. 

Blogging is simply meant to be an online journal, a diary of sorts. I would never just go back through my old journals and rip out pages that I didn't want to re-read any longer, so why would I delete my old posts? Looking back makes me realize what a journey I have been on the past two years. Though there is pain and confusion in some of it I see how much I have grown. I am a better for it. Happier because of it. I'm starting over. 

Just to slightly recap a couple of major things that have gone on: 

1. I have a new boyfriend. YAY. This month marks one year that we have been together. I couldn't be more proud to walk beside him in this life. And I am thrilled about the journey we are on. 

Me and C in San Antonio, 2014

2. I am still running but not as much as I would like to be. I went through a patch of time where I was on some pretty heavy meds and it killed my joints so running was out of the question. Back at it though and training again with a group of ladies through Karna Fitness. Definitely a great support system and pretty effective to regain my mileage. Planning on running The Woodlands Half Marathon in early 2015 as well ... baby steps. 

3. Working out wise I have also started taking some spin and barre classes at a local place called Define. Holy smokes - is it the best. Not only are the people fantastic but both rev and body are killer workouts. I love being able to add some new stuff to my routine instead of just running everyday. 

4. On a more serious note - my daddy was diagnosed with lung cancer, about 2 months ago now. Though this is just the beginning it has already been a serious battle. The type of cancer he was diagnosed with is pretty uncommon. Luckily there is a relatively successful trial drug out there that the doctors have him on. I know that any of us could die at any moment - in car accident, from a heart attack, whatever - but knowing he is sick makes me worry to my core. I am sure there will be many future posts about his status and how my heart slash head are handling everything. 

Me and Dad in England, 2013

5. Speaking of family my parents and I were able to take a pretty outstanding trip to Belgium and England last July. I clearly am a little past due on the post but I just have to point it out. Now that my dad has fallen ill it may be one of the last big family vacations that we got to go on together. I will cherish that deeply. And London is wicked cool. I loved every second of the trip; the culture, the people, the sights - I could move there in a heartbeat. 

Me, Mom and Dad headed to Europe, 2013

6. Some big changes happened in the friend zones over the past few years too. To be brief:

• O and I had a large falling out. In fact, she had a large falling out with me, K and B and stepped away from all of our friendships all together. I have since apologized, which I think she has accepted, and we speak from time to time. However, we are not necessarily on a path to recovery. Just amicable. 
• B got married! Yes, this means she moved out .. sigh. I miss having her here all the time but she married a fantastic man, we will call him M, and it is so lovely to see her genuinely happy. I couldn't be prouder to call her my best. 
• K graduated from college, wahoo! She and W also ended an engagement which has been rocky to say the least. I so admire her strength through the whole process and envy her ability to follow through on possibly the toughest decision she's had to face. 
• L moved home from Hawaii. To be honest, I am not sure if she was in Hawaii yet the last time I posted. But she is here now and I am so glad to have her back. It is nice to be able to pick up where you left off with a friendship, like no time has passed, even when it has been years. 
• There was a huge, drama filled, chaotic, mess of a night that sort of stemmed a whole bunch of change for me in the friend department last July. I lost a number of people I was incredibly close to and fell into probably one of the darkest places I have ever been. People I thought I knew and could trust, betrayed me. People I thought would have my back, didn't. People spun things and set things up and it was just a hell of bad time. I see now how at fault I was for so much of it. But I also see how vindictive and hateful others can be. I am learning to choose my friends wisely and to put faith in those that I genuinely have faith in. 

All of us at K's Graduation 

B and the Bridal Party

7. I got a big girl job. Working in real estate was never where I imagined I would end up but alas, here I am. I have been working for Heritage Texas Properties for almost a year and it has been such a blessing. Not only have I found something that I am passionate about but I have am honored to work alongside and under such great colleagues. The opportunity came out of nowhere and totally just fell into my lap but I am glad I jumped at the chance and wasn't too afraid to take the risk.

Since two years have passed I am sure way more than just 7 major events have occurred but that is all I can seem to conjure up at the moment. Probably because it's 1:30 AM and my brain is shutting off. Either way, it's a start. I am picking up the pieces where I left off and will be more diligent about writing and documenting what is going on in my life.

Till next time ...

M

Courtesy of P.Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Weight of the World

Everyone wants to look like they have everything put together in their lives; no one wants to walk around and outwardly look like a hot mess, so we hide it. Generally we hide it deep down inside so the least number of people can see our craziness. I don't know who we think we are hiding it from though. The only people that really matter are ourselves and the Lord and you can't hide anything from yourself or God for that matter, so it is pretty much a lost cause.

I was raised in a church going family. I went to Sunday school each week, was involved in Awana's and VBS; I knew from a very young age what a Christian was and what Jesus had done for me. I don't think I have really ever chosen to implement Christianity into my life the way it was designed for me though. Of course I love the Lord, I go to church and I read my Bible - but am I a light for the Lord in such a world full of darkness? Do I radiate His beauty, kindness and unconditional love to all people? Am I obedient when He asks me to do things or do I even follow the 10 Commandments? The answer to the majority of that is no. I sin. Consistenly. Every single day. And it is the most discouraging thing in the world to watch yourself continuously fail at something you try so hard to achieve. Part of me feels like it is a lost cause, that I won't ever be able to be good enough and then part of me knows that the reason I am not succeeding is because I am not putting in the time and effort that is needed to do well.

The other night I was having a conversation with my roommate and amongst the things we discussed we talked about the Lord's forgiveness. I have sinned and I am ashamed of my sin. I don't like going into church sometimes because I feel dirty and I think that everyone there knows it. It feels like they can just tell that I am not Christ-like. I struggle with actually accepting His forgiveness and moving beyond my past. I know He forgives me and I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins; but it is different to live that than to just simply know it. 

The devil knows my weaknesses and he preys on me in those areas. For whatever reason I don't feel worthy of forgiveness, mercy, grace, etc. I don't feel good enough. I spent a large portion of my late adolescent life being told I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, fun enough and so many other things that after a certain amount of time I started to believe it myself. That is the devil eating away at me; making a last ditch effort to try and get me to turn away from my faith and my God. It's not easy not to sometimes. I wonder how much simpler life would be if there was one less thing to worry about; if I didn't have the guilt that comes along with sinning due to having the Holy Spirit in my heart. If I could just go around and sin or act crazy and never feel bad for it - geez, part of me thinks that would be the life. But it isn't my life. I don't want it to be. I like the guilt because it means God is still alive and within me, that I haven't lost my relationship with Him. I like having morals and standards I hold myself to because it means I am trying to live my life more like Jesus. 

And for now that is what it has boiled down to ... I want to live my life more like Jesus. I don't think I am going to change overnight or that I am not going to fail because I surely will time and time again. However, I want to put forth the effort to know my God in a more personal way. I want to start going back to church, because it has been too long, pray more, read my Bible more and just be more intimate with the Lord. So I guess here is to day one of being honest with myself and Jesus and my pursuit of living more like Christ. 

Your hand in mine ..

Things in life couldn't possibly be more different than they were the last time I posted. Everyone that was supposed to move finally did and getting adjusted to all the newness has been interesting to say the least. 

I miss my parents a great deal. We have always been close and I knew I would miss them but I really, genuinely didn't think it would feel like this. I went away to college and I left them before but this time just feels different than then. Maybe it is because I am older and we have grown closer, who knows. I am supposed to be a grown up and be able to do things on my own but I find myself calling them constantly for a myriad of things. I had to ask my dad what kind of lightbulb went in the backyard light, call my mom cause my battery died when I came out from the grocery store, and today I am texting them about a super expensive water bill. Needless to say I am not a grown up. And I am totally ok with that, I think ... at least for now. I am going to try and get them to do dinners with me twice a month in Houston or somewhere around there that is a halfway point between the two of us. Hopefully that will satisfy some of the sadness about  missing them and we can spend some time with each other. We will see how that goes!

It feels like I am in college again now that I have roommates. It is such a heartwarming feeling to wake up and see Britt at the kitchen table drinking coffee or see B pull up in the driveway after school. Your 20's are hard and knowing that the three of us don't have to do it alone is really comforting. I was on Pinterest, surprising I know, and I found a pin that said 21 Secrets for your 20's; the credit completely goes to Paul Angone at All Groan Up. As I found myself reading through the 21 secrets though I realized how completely true the majority of them were. Part of #6 says "Making and keeping friends in our twenties takes intentionality." I couldn't have said it better myself. B and I have been able to maintain a friendship but I know that we are going to continue to grow and evolve in our friendship and as a people. I am really excited that we are living together and have the rare opportunity to change in this life side by side. With Britt, we haven't been close at any point in our lives really but forming this new friendship while being roommates is an exciting experience. I am really lucky to have two wonderful women beside me during undoubtedly at time of some of the biggest ups and downs in my life. 

TK is all the way in freaking Florida. FLORIDA! From doorstep to doorstep we are exactly 743 miles apart and roughly 11.5 to 12 hours away depending on traffic/stops/etc. This is definitely the most challenging time we are going to experience as a couple. While I am not looking forward to the day to day frustration of not getting to have my boyfriend around I know that in the end this is just going to bring us closer; the time we have to spend with each other after it is all said and done is going to be so much sweeter. We are both doing this for the greater good of us as a couple and for our future family and that is what keeps us each going. Plus I couldn't be any more proud of what he is doing. I mean I am going to be married to Dr. Klein one day .. how cool is that? Really though, I am beaming inside knowing how he is bettering himself and following his dreams; it is an incredible feeling. We are hopefully going to get to see each other once a month. The plan, thus far at least, is to meet up about halfway one weekend in September and then for me to fly down and stay for a week or two in October. Then of course he will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will see how that all turns out but right now I am just looking forward to our next iChat or phone call - it's the little things!

I know that I write about the same things over and over again on here, I just can't help it. My family, friends and boyfriend happen to be the greatest, most important things in my life so updates on them are going to be much more common than other aspects in my life. Oh well. Sooner or later I will write a post about everything else that is happening ... till then!