Weight of the World

Everyone wants to look like they have everything put together in their lives; no one wants to walk around and outwardly look like a hot mess, so we hide it. Generally we hide it deep down inside so the least number of people can see our craziness. I don't know who we think we are hiding it from though. The only people that really matter are ourselves and the Lord and you can't hide anything from yourself or God for that matter, so it is pretty much a lost cause.

I was raised in a church going family. I went to Sunday school each week, was involved in Awana's and VBS; I knew from a very young age what a Christian was and what Jesus had done for me. I don't think I have really ever chosen to implement Christianity into my life the way it was designed for me though. Of course I love the Lord, I go to church and I read my Bible - but am I a light for the Lord in such a world full of darkness? Do I radiate His beauty, kindness and unconditional love to all people? Am I obedient when He asks me to do things or do I even follow the 10 Commandments? The answer to the majority of that is no. I sin. Consistenly. Every single day. And it is the most discouraging thing in the world to watch yourself continuously fail at something you try so hard to achieve. Part of me feels like it is a lost cause, that I won't ever be able to be good enough and then part of me knows that the reason I am not succeeding is because I am not putting in the time and effort that is needed to do well.

The other night I was having a conversation with my roommate and amongst the things we discussed we talked about the Lord's forgiveness. I have sinned and I am ashamed of my sin. I don't like going into church sometimes because I feel dirty and I think that everyone there knows it. It feels like they can just tell that I am not Christ-like. I struggle with actually accepting His forgiveness and moving beyond my past. I know He forgives me and I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins; but it is different to live that than to just simply know it. 

The devil knows my weaknesses and he preys on me in those areas. For whatever reason I don't feel worthy of forgiveness, mercy, grace, etc. I don't feel good enough. I spent a large portion of my late adolescent life being told I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, fun enough and so many other things that after a certain amount of time I started to believe it myself. That is the devil eating away at me; making a last ditch effort to try and get me to turn away from my faith and my God. It's not easy not to sometimes. I wonder how much simpler life would be if there was one less thing to worry about; if I didn't have the guilt that comes along with sinning due to having the Holy Spirit in my heart. If I could just go around and sin or act crazy and never feel bad for it - geez, part of me thinks that would be the life. But it isn't my life. I don't want it to be. I like the guilt because it means God is still alive and within me, that I haven't lost my relationship with Him. I like having morals and standards I hold myself to because it means I am trying to live my life more like Jesus. 

And for now that is what it has boiled down to ... I want to live my life more like Jesus. I don't think I am going to change overnight or that I am not going to fail because I surely will time and time again. However, I want to put forth the effort to know my God in a more personal way. I want to start going back to church, because it has been too long, pray more, read my Bible more and just be more intimate with the Lord. So I guess here is to day one of being honest with myself and Jesus and my pursuit of living more like Christ.