heavy heart, think of yesterday.

I have been back in that place, walking those halls plenty of times since I graduated five years ago but today was oddly different. Of course each time I substitute I am reminded of my days as a high school student but rarely do little memories flood my mind. However, this morning as I stood on duty in the cafeteria I realized I was standing next to the staircase, in the same exact spot where I stood almost every morning of my senior year. It was there that I so eagerly awaited seeing my bests walk through the doors from the student parking lot. It was there that the drama and fights took place with my high school boyfriend. It was there that I stood each day for twenty minutes before school for an entire year being overwhelmed with college decisions, contemplating what prom dress to buy, falling in love, frantically finishing homework and so much more.


Being there in that moment made me begin to think about all of the ups and downs I had while in that place. There are places in that school that literally changed the course of my life. I know it sounds dramatic but it is the honest truth. 

And sometimes I wonder if it would have been better ... if my friendship hadn't turned into a relationship that lasted four some odd years and consumed my college experience ... if t.u. hadn't rejected me and I had ended up an Aggie hatin' Longhorn ... if I had stuck with tennis instead of blowing it off after freshman year ... 


I wouldn't be me. So no it wouldn't have been better. I dated him for such a long time to lead me to the place where I can appreciate a man like the one I have been blessed with now. I got rejected from a school I so longed to be at, in order to fall back on God and have Him answer the "why?" questions. I quit tennis and became consumed with theatre where my passions soared and lifelong friendships developed. 


My life didn't start in high school but it was shaped by those four years - indefinitely. And as I walk the halls I will always remember and be grateful in fact, that it all turned out the way it did. 

the season of giving up.

Lent. 


I always give things up even though I am not Catholic. My mom is Catholic though. And even though she doesn't give anything up, the ideals of Catholicism have been engrained in me since a very young age. I know how to kneel and stand, I know the Hail Mary prayer, and I know all about holy water, altar boys, and communion. So I tend to give things up for Lent just as any other Catholic would. I suppose it isn't necessarily a prerequisite to be Catholic in order to participate but the two seem to be paired together quite nicely in society.  


This year I started thinking about what I was going to sacrifice and the list was few and far between. I have done all of the common stuff - sweets, soda, Facebook even. I thought about what I could rid myself of that would actually be a difficult sacrifice and nothing really seemed to pop into my head. So instead of removing something from my life I have chosen to add something to my life. I want to read my Bible more and start going back to church. 


My relationship with the Lord has never been as strong as I would have liked it; I think a lot of Christians feel that way. There is always a time in the back of your head when you wonder how you could be doing things better or when you are envious of the people you see at church. Although I have pursued Christ I haven't done so to a degree that I really am happy with. I do want to make Him a center piece in my life, in my relationships and I want the true, genuine desire to make Him known to everyone. 


That being said I am going to read my Bible more. Listen to Breakaway podcasts. [Side note: if you are reading my blog perchance and don't know what Breakaway is - try it out. Ben Stuart is an incredible man of the Lord and speaks pure truth. It is what I miss most about College Station in complete honesty.] Attend church on Sunday and really strive to form a more personal relationship with God. 


With all that being said I think I am going to start writing more on here about what the Lord is teaching me through what I am reading in the Word, etc. as well as continue to write about my day to day life. 

So here goes nothing ... 

This is what I took away from the Breakaway Podcast from 08/29/2011

We have to make a decision to engage God honestly. Generally we take time to engage in every other worldly pursuit besides the Lord. Whether it be sports, work, school, friends - there always seems to be something more important on our plate than taking the time to get to know Jesus. 


Rarely do we think about what can fully come out of our life if we pursue the Lord. We know if we work hard in school we can get a good gob. Or if we make time for our friends they will be there to help us out in difficult situations. But if we combined all of those things, those resources and Jesus - what then could come out of our life?


We were made for the Lord's purpose and our desires were meant to be satisfied by the Lord. We know that we aren't okay. The world isn't ok. And to fix ourselves and fix society it takes more than just self-acceptance. The world can't fix us the way that God can. 


This week at Breakaway the text in Hebrews 11 was studied. In particular Hebrews 11:6 the question of "What does God want from us?" is answered. It is simple. He wants two things. The first being that we must simply believe He exists. And second He wants us to believe that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. God isn't looking for moral conformity. He doesn't just want us to be good people who tell the truth and are kind to others; He is looking for personal intimacy with us. He desires a relationship with each and every one of us and wants to be what fulfills our every need. 


Though it is easier said than done it is the most rewarding thing you can do. When you place your hope in the Jesus instead of people of the earth or worldly things you can be completely satisfied. Because unlike your friends or family, Jesus is capable of all things; it isn't fair to ask your parents or whomever to try and do something they are destined to fail at. 


We need to engage God in our daily lives. We need to strive to know Him through a personal relationship and recognize that that is all He asks of us. He knows we are going to screw up, time and time again, and He is prepared for that. He can handle everything. So we simply need to let go and let God. 

etc. etc. etc.

SO much has been going on as of late. I feel as though the need to update the blog world [as if anyone actually reads this] as to what has been happening in my life. But in case anyone actually does ... and for my own sanity, this will be a compilation of random thoughts floating around in my head. Blogging seems to be the only way I can make sense of things sometimes. 


I had HAND FOOT AND MOUTH DISEASE. Can we talk about that for a minute? How ridiculous does that sound ... hand, foot and mouth disease. It sounds like I'm dying. It sounds as though my hands, feet and my mouth are carrying some incurable infection that is going to slowly permeate through the rest of my body and kill me day by day. It sounds disgusting and let me note that as disgusting as it sounds ... it is so much worse. For the brave at heart you are more than welcome to look at images on google of what my poor soft palate, tongue and tonsils had to endure for the past seven days. But let me ensure you all that it was sick nasty. Basically ulcer/blister things form everywhere in your mouth, cover your hands and feet and since it is a virus you just deal with it. Luckily my hands and feet were spared the worst of it but my mouth was miserable. I urge all of you to steer clear if at all possible - not a fun time. 


Due to my illness I had to take time off of working out. Today I start back - that is going to make for a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Boo. 


My dad has restless leg syndrome. Which I never thought was a big deal. It usually only bothers him at night and generally speaking it has never seemed to cause many problems. Over the past few months I have seen it start to agitate him more than normal though. The main symptom is that your legs are restless - crazy I know. It usually only bothers him in the evenings and it is just one of those things where he can't seem to get comfortable. He fidgets a lot, constantly is repositioning his legs ... that sort of thing. But yesterday when we were in the car we started to talk about it and he just spouted off saying, "The doctor said what I have is a precursor to parkinson's so I guess this is something I am going to have to get used to." It came out of nowhere and he said it in such a nonchalant way. I was shocked to say the least. The reality hit me in that moment that my parents are older and I am going to be without them someday. But before that day comes I am going to have to watch them slowly deteriorate before my eyes until they just can't make it anymore. I am 23 and I am not ready to be without my parents. I don't want to have to take care of them all by myself. It's scary to me. I know that precursor doesn't necessarily mean that it is going to happen; my dad may live a long, healthy life and just have to deal with RLS, which would be a blessing. But the comment put the thought in my head and now it is hard not to dwell on it, at least for the time being. 


Valentine's Day passed during my period of illness and although I was more than slightly dying [due to my disease and all] I had the most wonderful surprise I could have ever imagined. Ty decided to show up on my doorstep around 5:30PM on Tuesday the 14th. I was absolutely taken back by his gesture. It showed more than just how much he loves me but it proved how selfless, kind and Godly he is. He made the drive from San Antonio on Tuesday evening even though he had to turn around and drive back Wednesday for his class Thursday morning. Then he came right back Thursday evening and spent the weekend here. I am in awe of how incredible of a man he is. I can't imagine how exhausted he was or how overwhelming those few days must have been. He continues to prove to me every day just how lucky and blessed I am. And I hope he knows that I realize and thank God daily for putting him in my life. 

Pinterest has overtaken my soul. Especially recently when I had nothing to do but stalk people on Facebook and pin thousands of useless items to my boards, I realized just how many cool things there actually are online. In my spare time and over the past few months I have actually followed through on some of my Pinterest posts. 

Blue Moon Cupcakes. Myself and two of my best friends took on this challenge for a Superbowl gathering we were having and let me tell you they turned out fabulous. Of course they didn't look like the picture, they never do, but they tasted awesome. Definitely worth a try for a gathering or when you are just craving something different and fun. After thinking about it we realized you can do this with any kind of fruitier beer, whether it be Corona [if you enjoy lime] or Leinenkugel Berry Weiss [for a berry flavor]. 


Pumpkin Dump Cake. I made this a while ago during the Thanksgiving/Halloween season so I do apologize for not posting about it sooner. Pumpkin may not compliment many of your dishes right now since it is more of a fall kind of food but this was a delicious dessert. Very rich though. It was definitely easy to make and I enjoyed every last bit of it. My parents make a dump cake that is more year round but when I saw this I couldn't pass it up. 


The Ol' Switcheroo. I didn't do this at the beginning of the year like it suggests but it is definitely an incredible idea. I have WAY more clothes in my closet than I could ever possibly need and I know that I continually go back to wear the same ones over and over again. So in an effort to make some room for new clothes of course I switched all of the hangers in my closet to hang backwards. Each time I wear a shirt I put the hanger the way it it supposed to be. After 3 or 4 months any of the clothes I have that haven't been worn will be given away. Woohoo. 


I am hopefully going to keep my Pinterest obsession going and following through on making some of the recipes and crafts I have posted. 


That is about it. Lots of thoughts still going on but who knows ... I don't have enough energy to say much else currently. 

... false. I have jury duty tonight. And now that I am no longer in college I have zero way of getting out of it. Unless I have kids or am over 70 or something. Suck.

"When did we become adults?...

And how do we make it stop?" 

If any of you who follow me know me at all you are not surprised that the above quote is from the ever famous Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy. It is one of those quotes that I find completely applicable to my life the more I sit down and think about it. My birthday was this past Friday. I am 23. Which in reality makes me a grown-up. It makes me an adult. 


But am I really? 

I still want my mommy and daddy around when I am sick. 

I enjoy car jamming - a lot. 

I like to color - and then put my signature on the page and give it to someone.

PB&Banana is still a staple in my diet. 

My stuffed animal, Bear - yes, that's his name, still sleeps with me. 

I hide under the covers when I hear funny noises at night .. like that would stop someone.

Depending on the item - I may still purchase clothes from the juniors department. 

I literally have one bill and it's my cell phone. 

All of those things are qualities and quirks that I really like about myself though. I mean only paying for my cell phone bill isn't necessarily a quality or quirk but for now I will take it. I guess what I am getting at is even though I am age appropriate to be in a suit everyday, paying all my bills and having a stream lined, clean apartment ... I want to enjoy who I am and soak it all up. I know that one day I am going to have a great job, a wonderful husband, a house to clean and kids to take care of - and I guess I hope that all of the above things are still true about me. I don't want to lose a sense of who I am just because I am an "adult".