two kinds of insanity.

Number ONE. 

Insanity that is the workout. Holy moly. It has been kicking my butt. I have been able to see definite progress in myself when it comes to how much easier the workouts seem, my stamina, etc. Granted I am no Shaun T. but there is some progress happening. That sort of thing is awesome and I am definitely proud of myself BUT I wish I could see more of a change in my body. We are on week three now and though I have veered off the diet a little bit, maybe for five or six meals total, I don't see a lot of difference in how I look. I know the change isn't going to be overnight. And I surely am not expecting to drop a ton of weight or be a totally different person after such a short amount of time but come on ... a little change would be some nice motivation. The scale says I have lost six pounds but when I look at myself I look like the same person. Maybe I am just being too critical ... surprise surprise. Is it too much to ask for the Rachel's legs or Tanya's abs though?!  Who knows. After week four maybe I will take a better look, do measurements or something. For now I better just keep getting after it.

Number TWO. 

Insanity that is substitute teaching for second grade. I almost lost my mind today. I don't know how many times I told kids to sit down on their bottoms, turn off their voices, or to turn around and stop talking to their neighbor. Goodness gracious. At one point I literally almost just walked out of the room and left. It was awful. I am definitely not cut out for elementary education. The whole concept of not being able to rely on them to do anything on their own drives me absolutely nuts. Granted I haven't been subbing long and it was my first experience outside of a high school but I am just so used to the students I am around being self sufficient and not needing me to take the whole class to the bathroom, play the quiet game, or stand with them in the lunch line. There were so many points during the day that "sit down and shut up" almost came out of my mouth. Glad it didn't - they don't deserve that but I swear if my kids ever behave the way some of them did today I would be severely embarrassed as a parent. At least now I know not to do that to myself again. Secondary education it is!

sibling rivalry.

For those of you that know anything about me you are probably wondering how I am writing a blog that revolves around siblings when I, myself, am an only child. It's a good question because I know absolutely nothing about little brothers always rummaging through my stuff or older sisters giving me advice on high school. But what I do know is that my parents both have siblings and it doesn't seem to have worked out in their favor in either case. They each have a brother who seems to have chosen to not be a true family member so to speak. My mom's brother bailed when the going got tough and she was left to care for both of her parents during some very difficult medical conditions. Where as my dad has a brother who has chosen to take advantage of my granddad and use up the majority of the finances that he could get his hands on.

I don't get it. Being an only child I know that I am responsible for taking care of my parents when it gets to that point and I am responsible for managing their finances in the best way possible for them, not using the money in my favor. I have accepted that I will be the one. And I am more than okay with doing whatever I need to do for them; after all they have done above and beyond for me my whole life. The idea of bailing on the two most important people in my life has never so much as crossed my mind. So I started to think how two of my very own family members could be "those" kind of people.

There is no rhyme or reason to why either of them have behaved the way they have. Nothing to set them off into that kind of behavior - that I know of at least. It seems to be there are just truly sad, angry, and un kind people in the world. I have always kind of known that. But having two of them so close to me that they are my own blood makes it all the more real.

My hope is that I can forgive them for what they have done to my grandparents and parents. That in itself is an easier task said than done. But I really need to focus on letting the hate go out of my life. It makes me bitter and mean and more like them than I really ever want to be. At some point my current feelings for them will fade and I will be desperate for them, hopeful that they may change and be better people and maybe even my heart will desire a relationship with them again. But until then I just pray to God that I don't have bones like theirs in my body because I don't know how a person like that lives with themselves.

saying goodbye is hard to do.

So I am going to be incredibly and sincerely sappy throughout this post just to forewarn anyone who is reading ... if you don't want to go there with me then stop here and come back at a later date. Thanks and Gig 'Em :] 

Now that that's out of the way ... for those that don't mind how lovey dovey I am about to be here I hope I live up to the lovestruck school girl you had in mind. I know that technically tomorrow isn't "goodbye" for me and Tyler. Goodbye is super permanent, something that you say to someone who moves to another country or passes away. Those are goodbyes; painful, heart wrenching moments in life that you wish never had to happen. So goodbye seems a little silly to say when he is just heading back to San Antonio. But it happens to be a slightly painful, heart wrenching moment for me when he leaves every time. And I have a feeling this goodbye is going to be a bit more difficult than all the rest because we have had the opportunity to spend almost an entire month together; a whole month where we saw each other every day. It may not seem like much to a lot of people but I have had the opportunity to fall more and more in love with this man every day. I enjoy each moment we get to spend together and learn about each other. Whether we are working out, cooking, watching Home Improvement or hanging out with some of our bests it is all a joy to be with the man I love - the man who makes me a better me. 


As time passes I can see why the Lord placed him in my life in the exact moment that he did. He has brought me pure joy and happiness in a time when I was truly struggling. He has made me feel as loved as I could possibly feel by another human. He has helped me know what it is like to genuinely find your soulmate and want to spend forever with someone else. I always hoped that something like this existed. Hoped that I would find it someday but now it is tangible and I have it in my grasp I couldn't imagine something greater. 


I am sitting here on the couch as he packs up all his stuff around me. It makes me sad to imagine a life without him even if it is only going to be a measly two weeks or something. I am one of the lucky ones - someone who has found the person they were meant to spend their life with and at this point the less time we have to spend apart the better in my eyes. We have already spent 22 or 23 years without each other ... I don't want to increase that number any more than I have to. 


But like I said it is only two weeks. And I can live with two weeks. I have forever to look forward to. With the man I have always dreamed of by my side. So here's to the next fourteen days and to forever. 


It's only the beginning. 

the most wonderful time of the year.

I wanted to write this post previously but with the holidays comes a lack of free time to just sit, reflect and write. So though it is mid January and everyone has so quickly faded from the Christmas spirit, it is exactly that which I want to blog about. 

Christmastime is my absolute favorite. And why shouldn't it be?

BUT

I genuinely forget sometimes how blessed I am. That may sound silly so let me try and explain ... my life sort of just seems like the norm after a while. I begin to think that having two parents who love you is an experience everyone gets. Presents under the tree are no big deal to me anymore because they have always been there and well, why wouldn't they be? Everything that was supposed to happen in my life has. There has never been a day where I woke up feeling hungry or unloved. Never a day where I was worried about having enough clothes to keep me warm or a roof over my head to keep me dry. I have the pleasure each day over Christmas break to wake up and do as I please; overstuff myself full of holiday food, watch silly movies like Elf or Home Alone, and decorate the tree at my leisure.

Very rarely do I recognize how the Lord has blessed me on a regular basis. It seems odd that I forget to do that, especially when Christmas is the time that we are supposed to be celebrating Him most of all. During this time of year everyone loves a little bit more and a little bit deeper. However, we have the tendency to love the wrong things. We focus a tremendous amount of time and energy on gifts, parties, and each other when in reality Jesus needs to be the one we should be centering ourselves around. Don't get me wrong - I have never actually forgotten the true meaning of Christmas and of course I go to church on Christmas eve but I am not really sure if that stuff has as much of a lasting effect on me as it should. 

My Christmas was blessed beyond belief this year. Gifts were abundant and the love I received, not only from my family but also Tyler's, was flowing without a doubt. Getting to relax with friends and wrap presents each night continually brought a smile to my face. I have zero complaints. I just wish I had recognized how lucky I was in the moment that it was all happening and given thanks to the One that deserves it then rather than a month or so later. 

The New Year quickly approached after all the craziness of Christmas died down and I began to think about how I wanted to change my life in 2012. There is so much I want to do for myself and for others - I just don't even know where or how to start at times. I suppose the easiest way to keep up with everything is to write it all down and alas, that is what I am doing here. My goals may seem silly or unreachable but I am hoping to put forth as much of an effort as possible to make these things happen in my life in the following 354 days. 

Here goes nothing ...

- Gain faith and draw closer in my relationship with the Lord

- Cut sweets out of my diet

- Complete Insanity and keep up a workout regimen through the year

- Pursue teaching as my career and begin getting certified 

- Move out of my parents house 

- Find a way to get involved in a non-profit even if it just is through volunteering

- Maintain and grow old friendships while also starting new ones

- Continue to open my heart to the man I love and be a woman he is proud to love

None of it is going to be easy. We are already 11 days into 2012 and I feel everyday like I have failed at something or want to give up. But I haven't yet and that is the best I can do for now. It is a work in progress ... I am a work in progress. And I just hope at the end of the year I look back and am proud of what I managed to accomplish with my family, friends, boyfriend and most importantly the Lord by my side.