Courtesy of P.Phillips

Hold on, to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along
Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you’re not alone
Cause I’m going to make this place your home

Weight of the World

Everyone wants to look like they have everything put together in their lives; no one wants to walk around and outwardly look like a hot mess, so we hide it. Generally we hide it deep down inside so the least number of people can see our craziness. I don't know who we think we are hiding it from though. The only people that really matter are ourselves and the Lord and you can't hide anything from yourself or God for that matter, so it is pretty much a lost cause.

I was raised in a church going family. I went to Sunday school each week, was involved in Awana's and VBS; I knew from a very young age what a Christian was and what Jesus had done for me. I don't think I have really ever chosen to implement Christianity into my life the way it was designed for me though. Of course I love the Lord, I go to church and I read my Bible - but am I a light for the Lord in such a world full of darkness? Do I radiate His beauty, kindness and unconditional love to all people? Am I obedient when He asks me to do things or do I even follow the 10 Commandments? The answer to the majority of that is no. I sin. Consistenly. Every single day. And it is the most discouraging thing in the world to watch yourself continuously fail at something you try so hard to achieve. Part of me feels like it is a lost cause, that I won't ever be able to be good enough and then part of me knows that the reason I am not succeeding is because I am not putting in the time and effort that is needed to do well.

The other night I was having a conversation with my roommate and amongst the things we discussed we talked about the Lord's forgiveness. I have sinned and I am ashamed of my sin. I don't like going into church sometimes because I feel dirty and I think that everyone there knows it. It feels like they can just tell that I am not Christ-like. I struggle with actually accepting His forgiveness and moving beyond my past. I know He forgives me and I know Jesus died on the cross for my sins; but it is different to live that than to just simply know it. 

The devil knows my weaknesses and he preys on me in those areas. For whatever reason I don't feel worthy of forgiveness, mercy, grace, etc. I don't feel good enough. I spent a large portion of my late adolescent life being told I wasn't pretty enough, skinny enough, fun enough and so many other things that after a certain amount of time I started to believe it myself. That is the devil eating away at me; making a last ditch effort to try and get me to turn away from my faith and my God. It's not easy not to sometimes. I wonder how much simpler life would be if there was one less thing to worry about; if I didn't have the guilt that comes along with sinning due to having the Holy Spirit in my heart. If I could just go around and sin or act crazy and never feel bad for it - geez, part of me thinks that would be the life. But it isn't my life. I don't want it to be. I like the guilt because it means God is still alive and within me, that I haven't lost my relationship with Him. I like having morals and standards I hold myself to because it means I am trying to live my life more like Jesus. 

And for now that is what it has boiled down to ... I want to live my life more like Jesus. I don't think I am going to change overnight or that I am not going to fail because I surely will time and time again. However, I want to put forth the effort to know my God in a more personal way. I want to start going back to church, because it has been too long, pray more, read my Bible more and just be more intimate with the Lord. So I guess here is to day one of being honest with myself and Jesus and my pursuit of living more like Christ. 

Your hand in mine ..

Things in life couldn't possibly be more different than they were the last time I posted. Everyone that was supposed to move finally did and getting adjusted to all the newness has been interesting to say the least. 

I miss my parents a great deal. We have always been close and I knew I would miss them but I really, genuinely didn't think it would feel like this. I went away to college and I left them before but this time just feels different than then. Maybe it is because I am older and we have grown closer, who knows. I am supposed to be a grown up and be able to do things on my own but I find myself calling them constantly for a myriad of things. I had to ask my dad what kind of lightbulb went in the backyard light, call my mom cause my battery died when I came out from the grocery store, and today I am texting them about a super expensive water bill. Needless to say I am not a grown up. And I am totally ok with that, I think ... at least for now. I am going to try and get them to do dinners with me twice a month in Houston or somewhere around there that is a halfway point between the two of us. Hopefully that will satisfy some of the sadness about  missing them and we can spend some time with each other. We will see how that goes!

It feels like I am in college again now that I have roommates. It is such a heartwarming feeling to wake up and see Britt at the kitchen table drinking coffee or see B pull up in the driveway after school. Your 20's are hard and knowing that the three of us don't have to do it alone is really comforting. I was on Pinterest, surprising I know, and I found a pin that said 21 Secrets for your 20's; the credit completely goes to Paul Angone at All Groan Up. As I found myself reading through the 21 secrets though I realized how completely true the majority of them were. Part of #6 says "Making and keeping friends in our twenties takes intentionality." I couldn't have said it better myself. B and I have been able to maintain a friendship but I know that we are going to continue to grow and evolve in our friendship and as a people. I am really excited that we are living together and have the rare opportunity to change in this life side by side. With Britt, we haven't been close at any point in our lives really but forming this new friendship while being roommates is an exciting experience. I am really lucky to have two wonderful women beside me during undoubtedly at time of some of the biggest ups and downs in my life. 

TK is all the way in freaking Florida. FLORIDA! From doorstep to doorstep we are exactly 743 miles apart and roughly 11.5 to 12 hours away depending on traffic/stops/etc. This is definitely the most challenging time we are going to experience as a couple. While I am not looking forward to the day to day frustration of not getting to have my boyfriend around I know that in the end this is just going to bring us closer; the time we have to spend with each other after it is all said and done is going to be so much sweeter. We are both doing this for the greater good of us as a couple and for our future family and that is what keeps us each going. Plus I couldn't be any more proud of what he is doing. I mean I am going to be married to Dr. Klein one day .. how cool is that? Really though, I am beaming inside knowing how he is bettering himself and following his dreams; it is an incredible feeling. We are hopefully going to get to see each other once a month. The plan, thus far at least, is to meet up about halfway one weekend in September and then for me to fly down and stay for a week or two in October. Then of course he will be home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We will see how that all turns out but right now I am just looking forward to our next iChat or phone call - it's the little things!

I know that I write about the same things over and over again on here, I just can't help it. My family, friends and boyfriend happen to be the greatest, most important things in my life so updates on them are going to be much more common than other aspects in my life. Oh well. Sooner or later I will write a post about everything else that is happening ... till then!